[LIFESTYLE] Can you keep a secret?

[Xavirne]

RPing sometimes I think it's a complete waste of time, and the biggest popularity contest.

Truth. It can also be a kick in the teeth and worse than getting dumped by a person.

[joonsexual]

This isn't supposed to be so stressful. I wonder when things became so sour and pear-shaped?

I miss everyone and I wish they could be here with me.

[Xavirne]

Whenever a guy I once liked/still like is taken off the singles market, I think that there is something wrong with me. I have major self-esteem issues when losing to another woman. To make matters worse, I will let this affect me, even if I don't like the guy any more. I hate it. I'm such an attention whore sometimes. I hate how I have this constant need to be loved and wanted....

[joonsexual]

There's something to be said about arrogance and self-involvement: It's rather unbecoming.

And, to be honest, if circumstances didn't dictate our unfortunate proximity/shared community, I would be done with you yesterday.

So, get over yourself. You're not as amazing as you think you are. Or led to believe.

[Xavirne]

I'm sick of the games. *I'm sick of people talking about me behind my back. *Why can't you just look me in the eyes and tell me to the face what you really think. *If you hate me, say it and let's just end this war. *If you're mad that I didn't text you back, then baby, we weren't going to make it long anyway. *If you've got an issue with me or don't like something I say or do, just tell me. *I can't read minds - never will be able to. *Your eyes, they aren't always visible to me. *I can't read your face or get a feel from your tone. *It's just text and written words - no wonder things get out of hand so fast. *Everything on the internet just seems so impulsive. *I don't think before I act - I just act. *That's my flaw, so be it. *At least I know and at least I have the guts to tell you to your face.

Passive aggressiveness. *Oh how I loath thee. *It's weak and spineless, and the cop-out answer to all the problems - or so I like to think. *I would rather use words and get things off my chest rather than letting them build and build. *Or hiding behind a fence or all. *But that's just me - hotheaded and aggressive.

I understand the intimidation of it all. *Confronting me may seem very hard but, the truth of it all, is that it makes me see you in a better light. *I think the thing that gets me most is that this is online - what's keeping you from doing your worst? *You don't know me *- you've learned everything about me through online interactions. *Maybe, if lucky, you get to see me in real life and it is fun while it lasts, but really... did you have to do that?

We're adults, are we not? *So when will you stop behaving like a teenaged snot? *Ignoring me is so infuriating! *Or taking the fence - what's up with that? *Have your really no opinions on the situation? *Why won't you just be human and open the hell up! *Tell me what's on your mind, on your heart, and in your chest.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. *Trouble seems to meet me at every corner. *I try to please you and it just doesn't work. *I try to avoid you but our paths just seem to cross. *I can't win and it sucks. *It breaks my heart and makes me cry. *Seriously, sometimes I wonder why. *Why do I care so much? *Why does it matter? *You're just a person who doesn't really matter. *Or at least you don't matter to me. *And yet, you always seem to get the very best of me....

[joonsexual]

True story.

[Xavirne]

Three days, that's the time it takes me to "cool down" after a fight.
Three days is all I need before my eyes open and I allow me to see both sides of the situation.
Three days is all I need to determine whether or not you're worth my time and effort.
Three days is all the time I need to determine your fate.

Too bad it takes a lifetime to get over it.

[MarineViolet]

I never thought I'd be the girl that's being forced to pick between two people, two friends. I thought that if it ever did happen, it might be fun, exciting, and not the least bit troublesome. It might be like in the movies or books, with the laugh tracks, the music in the background, and the happy ending.

I was wrong.

[Syrasya]

You're my kind of perfect. But I know I'm not yours.

[Atsumaru]

I'm really, really, really bad at keeping secrets =D

[katelynnxo]

I really, really miss you. More than I'd care to admit.

I never thought I would ever be able to say that about someone besides him.

Seriously, I'm sorry. There's no words for how sorry I am.

Please forgive me.

[Artsydaze]

I feel like I'm sleeping my life away... I hate that.

[Xavirne]

I cannot stand when people say, "I'm Tony Stark" and then they act like a five year old every time they post. Seriously, is that how you perceive him? As a whiny five year old who obsesses over everything. I think not. If you're going to be Tony Stark, then at least act like him.

I mean, I know I say I'm Iron Man, but I do it in a joking way and everyone knows it. This person, she - yes a she - literally thinks she's Tony. Like a femTony. She's not and she needs to stop pretending she is. It's just downright wrong. She totally portrays the guy in a negative light.

[joonsexual]

I really hate it when people are unnecessarily rude or generally inconsiderate of other people.

It bothers me like nothing else and it hits home harder when the source is a friend, a family member, or a significant other. I mean, how do you tell people that are close to you that their attitude or their behavior is unacceptable without stepping on toes?

You can't. So you suck it up, walk it off, and paint a smile on your face. You don't let them know that it upsets you. And you don't ever let on that you disapprove. It's one thing to be honest with people you dislike (you don't care how much further the relationship deteriorates); it's a different story when the person actually matters.

Sure, some people will say things like: If you truly cared, you'd let them know! You just tell them!

And it's easy to say that. It's easy to pretend like you have the courage to risk everything. It's easy to tell those close to you that their personalities suck and, at times, you can't stand it.

Or maybe it's just me and no one else in the world has any problems with being a complete asshole to the ones they supposedly care about. I mean, personally, I'm not someone who offends without heavy consideration. When I do something mean and hurtful and it's intentional, it's done after I've weighed the pros and the cons. I've thought about it and, honestly, I don't value the relationship enough to be patient.

When I value the relationship, I don't want to lose it over a small pet peeve. So, what I'm trying to say is: Don't tell me to "man up" and be honest with the people I care about. Don't tell me that if I genuinely cared about someone, I would be forthcoming with their weaknesses. And don't ever tell me that I'm just a coward.

I'm not a coward, but I don't expect you to understand.

[Squid]

I'm sorry that I don't entirely trust you, but knowing that, maybe it's my fault for asking if this is what you wanted. You said yes and I went in running. You shouldn't have lied to begin with but neither of us thought this is where we'd be. All things considered, I think I really do like you - or who I think you are. Please, don't just walk away when I'm upset because I think that'd hurt more than anything.

[joonsexual]

I don't know you and you don't know me. But we've talked. We've exchanged polite pleasantries. We've faced each other with fake easiness, plastic friendship, and, eventually, a berth of awkward, but necessary distance.

I stayed away because I was aware enough to know we couldn't co-exist. I didn't think we could work together without me losing my temper and you spiraling down into a tantrum. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe nothing would happen and we would be fine, laugh, and smile. And maybe I'm the one who's crafted this imaginary wall between us when, really, all you wanted was to be friendly.

But then, we just slipped out of control. You said something, I did something, and, suddenly, everything felt flat, wrong, and frustrating. I don't know what you've been through—I don't know your life's story. I don't know how your days are, how your family is, or how your dreams are shaping up. I don't even know what you dream of or if you dream at all. I don't know anything about you beyond the passing moments and the few conversations I catch.

Maybe you were upset—frustrated. Maybe things aren't working out for you. Maybe you're stressed and all you wanted was a little getaway—a little place to call your own. You wanted a niche. You wanted to find people who didn't point fingers, glare, and whisper unkind things. You probably just wanted to meet new people—people who made you laugh, made you forget, and made you happy. You probably just wanted to make new friends.

I guess, in that case, we're not so different—you and I. I guess, in that sense, we both wanted something that was the same. So, when did it all go pear-shaped? When did I start to avoid you and when did you turn hurtful? Or were you always hurtful? Were you always this person? Or did things make you mean? Do you realize that you've hurt people (and do people realize they've hurt you?)? Do you know that people suffered because of you? Do you know that your actions, however distanced and separated, have consequences?

Do you realize that there have been days where people—strangers, really—have hated the way things turned out, the way their getaway has shaped up. Do you realize that because of your selfishness and calloused behaviors, you have actually made this whole thing—a hobby for stress relieving—a chore? A hated and unlikable event?

But I'm sure that you only responded in such a way because you felt targeted, hurt, and betrayed. I understand, you didn't want this to happen. You didn't mean to do all these things. You just wanted a place to escape, to pretend—for maybe a minute—that things weren't as they are. It's okay, we're all here for the same thing.

I'm here for the same thing.

But it's not enough to just pretend things never happened. It's not okay to return the next day or week or month with a smile and behave as if you didn't say something hurtful or did something cruel. It's not right for us to hold false tea parties with stitched smiles and a ticking time bomb hanging over our heads. We have to talk. We have to say the thoughts in our hearts, the grudges we hold in our hands, and the memories we won't let go.

We aren't children anymore. We're adults. We should behave like one—mature enough to let bygones be bygones and wise enough to know when we should stay silent.

Sadly, I don't think we will. I don't think we'll make-up and laugh and whisper childish secrets to each other. I don't think we can recover. I don't think we can mend the bridges we have burned because, when we burned them, we didn't expect to need them again. I didn't expect to need them again.

And, perhaps, this is a personality flaw—a personal failure—but I have no intentions of righting things. I don't want to share our days or secrets. I don't want to ask your opinions about personal matters. And, maybe, that's where I went wrong. Maybe I'm too stubborn to realize this is making matters worse. And maybe, we're the same—children trying to be better than children, embittered fools trying to act like we're different.

Maybe we should just call it quits, walk away, and leave it at that. Maybe we should drop everything and move on. But, I don't think that's possible either. I don't think it's so simple anymore. And, well, has anything ever been so simple? It hasn't, right?

The truth is, this matter will escalate. It'll grow and gnaw at our days. It'll make us tired. It'll make our nerves raw with feelings. It'll make it so that a confrontation has to happen. But, let's be real, when have we ever confronted anyone about this? Never, really. We say all these things behind closed doors, with whispers, and away from prying eyes. You do your thing and I do mine.

But, I just want to be clear: Stop trying. I never want you as a friend. I don't need a friend like you. I don't want a friend like you because I'm too old to still be playing nice with people who hurt me. Because I'm not the kind of person who can suffer insults and still act like everything in the world is sunshine and rainbows.

Particularly when this is all happening on a distant and unreal place. I don't have to endure idiocy. I shouldn't have to and, well, you're just the definition of an idiot.

Maybe this is uncalled for. Maybe this is too excessive. But, as you may already know, why should I care about your feelings when you so obviously have no regard for mine?

This was written for a different time, for a moment long-past, for a day when everything should have been transparent, but wasn't.

[balam acab]

I'm overwhelmed.

I've been racially profiled; belittled and my co-workers take advantage of me at work. I don't feel inspired or motivated to do the things I need to do. I can't get my school work done efficiently, I procrastinate religiously ... everything just seems to revolve around the school > work > sleep cycle.

I want to see my boyfriend - who I'm madly in love with - more than once a week. I want to be healthy. I want to have money. I want Agron from Spartacus to live because I know he's going to die and I'll cry like a bitch.

Why are things so hard? Secretly I want to abuse my pain medication, get high, sit on my big black ass and get lost in the internet. Forgive me for being cynical, I just want to sunder the routine.

[joonsexual]

I think I would have been happier if I still believed in God.

It's not to say that I don't believe in a god, I just don't know if I believe in the God. But this is all rather off-topic and irrelevant.


I just want to be happy and I was so much happier back then. I miss being happy (even if being happy is overrated).

[joonsexual]

我對唔住但係我真係唔得愛我自己.
但係如果你唔想繼續做朋友,我會明白.

[Sweetsunnyrain]

My age doesn't define my maturity.

I'm inexperienced, and don't know much about the world. However, I know people. I know the way they behave, the slight inflections in the voice that hint at the hundred different meanings that could be behind your words, and the significance of the way you stand, the way you talk-

Even the way you look at me.

The way you look at me, and the way everyone else looks at me. Like I'm not worth their time, and I'm just an insignificant speck in the universe- that's what everyone is in the long run, right?

But wow. I didn't know that people looked at me like that before. Apparently I flirt and I act cute and apparently people don't like that around here either. They assume that I like a hundred different guys, a hundred different people in this school, just because I'm friendly. All I wanted were friends, and it seems that I don't even have those.

Maybe I act cute and I flirt because I'm just friendly like that. It's all I can do, really. I don't even know who I am anymore. I've layered so much shit on top of my personality that I'm just afraid of being left alone.

I'm just fucking scared.

I'm scared of being abandoned, and of those looks, when you don't fully understand me, but smile and laugh and fake your way out of it anyways. I'm scared of disappointing the people I know and love. I'm scared of that feeling in my chest when I realize the truth. I've realized it already, I'm just plastering bandaids over it to slow the recoil of the shot that went by the name of truth. And I'm scared, because I think that when I fully realize the truth, I think that my mind won't be able to bear it. And I'll die.

And it hurts, y'know? Because I cannot keep up with this shit. I can't just smile and pretend the rumors that I thought were over are nothing. They're not nothing. They're cruel weapons made by curious teens, and used to find what they do. And you know that they do? They stab people straight in the place where their emotions are kept, and eat away at you until you're gone. You don't know how sad I am. Sad, why? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Perhaps I'm sad because it's lonely being someone who can't fit in- and it's hard being someone who can't accept that they don't have to fit into society's mold.

I think I'm going to give up on feeling if this keeps up.

[Xavirne]

I'm afraid that he doesn't like me for who I am. That he's trying to change me. Even if it's for the better, I'm afraid that, if I change, he won't like me. And I honestly cannot stomach the thought of losing him. So I push him away and try to distance my heart from him and, every time I do this, it just ends up hurting us. I'm so scared to lose him.

[Xavirne]

When you apologize and you're 100% sincere and genuine about it and the person who's receiving that apology refuses to see that you're trying. That you're trying so freaking hard to make a wrong right. If I really didn't care, do you think I would still be writing? Do you think I would still be trying? I've spent more hours than I should have on one apology. It's obvious that nothing I say or do will make things better. So despite my best attempts, I'm just going to have to quit. And it sucks. I don't want to quit. I want this to be sorted out. I want us to be a neutral. Guess that's not happening. :\

I think the worse part is, I really, really wanted this. Like I really thought we could walk away an unlikely friends but at least we would be civil. Gah, silly me for thinking such things!

[Strude]

When someone apologizes to you, then precedes to blame you and tell you it is your own fault that they bullied you. Attempting to excuse their actions as "just who they are" and tell you "because of your personality they bullied you, so that makes their bullying okay".

When someone claims they are trying to make amends, trying to be a better person, and that they are doing this out of genuine sincerity. Then precede to come onto another site to announce publicly how their noble attempt at mending bridges failed. Telling the public how that other person refuses to accept said apology. Go out of their way to seek silent praise for their goodness.

[Stygian Void]

You drive me away just by existing in the same space as me, and it makes me upset because I love the place we co-inhabit. I wish so desperately I could continue and you would go away again, but that is like hoping for ice to be warm.

[Omlyt]

I don't know why I am working anymore. My motivation ultimately disappeared, and now I'm floating in open water. Grades and GPAs and class rankings swim around me like sharks, and it is only so much longer before I really start to drown. Expectations of teachers, parents, enemies, people who would like to act on vengeance and friends seem to hover around me, like seagulls, waiting for me to float back to the surface after I have fallen apart, and I know they will pick me to the bone.

[Schizophrenic]

I'm so tired of faking, I really just want to go to sleep until everyone has forgotten about me.

[Cows Go Moo]

Sometimes I feel like giving up/avoiding anything competitive just because I tend to be mediocre at best.

[Strude]

*tips head to Cows Go Mo with a knowing nod*

[ziia]

I'm not afraid of death
I'm not afraid of drowning
I'm not afraid of choking
I'm not afraid of clowns
I'm not afraid of venomous snakes
I'm not afraid of feeling weak
I should know
I've almost been killed
I've almost been drowned
I've almost been choked to death
I love life
But those are all games I've played
Games i still play
Because nothing will ever happen
I will never die
I will live on and it's okay
I just can't live alone
I need that one person
Just one
To be happy
Am I afraid of something?
Really... afraid?
....
I'm afraid to admit
how afraid I am
That navigating
the web of lies
and the web of truths
will still push people away
I'm afraid of being seen by the world
But if I never show myself to the world
How can the one person ever see me?
The next one person
Now that you're gone...
I...
You were the only person
The only person I saw for years
No one understands...
I've forgotten
how to be with people
Online? Offline?
...online
different cultures
I can't switch cultures just like that
I'm one person behind the screen
Another person here
And it's all roleplay
No one will ever see me
That's what I'm afraid of
Only that
That you were the last person
To see what's underneath the last mask
The innermost of me
Not just the last one to accept
But the last one to see...
I sometimes act stupidly
Maybe I think if someone can accept such an act
They can accept the truth
I know that's not true
Because the one person
Won't be like others
I can't test reactions
Even subconsciously
When people aren't the same
I'm afraid
you were right
That the universe handing me everything
Is a temporary, rather than a permanent
state of affairs
I can already see signs of it
But don't I always
Don't they always turn out to be wrong
I love this feeling of weakness
Almost fainting every time I get up
But I can't play like this
Not now
Not where I'm going
Just this one time it's too dangerous
Stop it
Eat properly
Eat!
You can't be anemic a hundred feet under the surface
If you plan on coming up
You're not that lucky
Eat
Eat...
I don't want to
You have to...
I'll try...
but first... let me exercise
I need the strength too
I need the strength
because I'm weak...

[ziia]

50 plies and 50 releves
70 abs, not the easy ones
100 waist exercises, both sides
250 jumping jacks
on an empty stomach
Pins and needles all over your skin
You saw black dots already
But you didn't even faint
Why did you stop?
Why did you stop?
You used to do a thousand
A thousand jumping jacks
Lazy
Lazy
Out of shape and fat
One inch more on your thighs!
Where did it come from?
Will you just... leave it there?
Try again
It's been four-and-a-half hours
That's enough rest
Again
Again
Again

---------- Post added at 07:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:54 PM ----------

350 more
good girl
pins and needles
but no black spots!
see? you get used to it
that's only 600
and not even in one go
tomorrow your legs will be sore
I bet you won't do any tomorrow
at least do the plies and releves
you can have one cup of coffee, black
no food today
lazy
go shower
you stink

–pep talk to self

---------- Post added at 10:23 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:12 PM ----------



200 more
that's 800 jumping jacks
108 calories burned
one hundred and eight
one hundred and eight
and you ate today
i told you not to eat
761 calories
seven hundred and sixty-one
minus one hundred and eight
that's six hundred and fifty-three
did you need 653 calories today?
oh, I suppose you did do other exercises
let's give you twenty for that
633 calories
it's not like you're ever hungry