Fire and Blood

[a91nicole]

"Fire Cannot Kill a Dragon"

As I sit here this night, writing in this journal, that phrase keeps popping into my mind. I am alone this evening, on the morrow I shall reach Ka'Lent and meet my soon to be constant companions in the quest the gods have blessed me with (Or cursed me with dependant upon my point of view). I suppose I would be thinking of Fire on this night, considering I have recently come into the ability to control this beautiful, perfect element. I was gifted with the power to destroy a world, yet I am to save it. But I must wonder....

Can our world even be saved?

I feel as if we have gone so off track that the gods must be furious at us. Other countries have grown to worship technology rather than the gods that gave them the intelligence to create the technology. Thank god I am from Alshmere, the people most in tune with the gods. But pondering the nature of the world is not what I am meant to do right now, I have a mission and I must accomplish it.

I need to redeem myself somehow, my actions caused the death of those most sacred (behind the gods) to an Alshmerean. I got the sense to be rebellious, I suppose it was the fire in me, but I decided to try and start gaining information and hosting meetings to fire up spirits for a rebellion. I paid a high price for a foolish attempt at being a hero.

I watched them die.

My younger brother first, they made my parents watch as they cut him from navel to nose, spilling his innocent blood all over the floor of our small home. Then my father, a shot through the eyes. And then my mother...

They dragged her out, into the field behind the house. I followed secretly, hiding behind the tall stalks of fresh wheat, nearly ready for harvest. Using their knives they cut her clothing off and proceeded to do what men do to women they have power over. I saw this, I wanted to kill them but had no weapons and there were three of them. Each took a turn. And then they killed her to.

The minute they were gone I rushed to her side, holding her head as the last light left her eyes. Killed for my crimes, falsely accused and brutalized. As I cried, I saw a small flame in a pool of my mother's blood. It spoke to me, I pulled out a ring that magically attached itself to my hand. As it locked into place, I felt it sear the skin there. It hurt, but I didn't care, I knew it was important.

And so I listened to the words it said, the few times it spoke to me, and I have become aware of my destiny, a destiny that starts tomorrow. I do not know what awaits me, the people I will meet or the dangers I will face, but I am not afraid, I deserve the pain, I deserve the risk of the burden. It is the only way I can repent for their deaths, if I succeed. I just hope the others are as serious as I am. They may never know why, but they will know that I mean business and I will not let them die. I cannot have more blood on my hands than there already is.

The hour is late, and I have a full day on the morrow, it is time for me to sleep, but I will keep you updated as the days progress.

[a91nicole]

The day has arrived and I have met my companions, and the future doesn't look pleasant by any means. The hero of darkness and the hero of light keep pinning each other to the floor and rolling about doing nothing but showing their thinly veiled sexual tension. It is disgusting and now is not the place for that. Water has yet to arrive, and she is lucky not to have seen this. Its horrific. The best way I can think to do this is to list them, one by one, and describe my impressions.

Nick (Dark): So far I am not a fan of him. He is self absorbed and a rude playboy. Literally he saw Light (What he sees in her I fail to understand) and immediately went after her, groping her and being entirely inappropriate for the situation. He was also very very rude to me and Li'ing, the hero I arrived at the same time with. He is only concerned with himself and satisfying his sexual urges. He is by no means fit to be a hero.

Li'ing: Quiet. Doesn't talk much, but when he does its very calm and logical. Probably dislikes Nick as much as I do. Poor boy got stuck wearing a tiara forever, hardly seems fair if you ask me. He is Ice. I have not had a chance to gather his personality much, but from what I see he's okay.

Light: This girl is going to drive me insane, I can already tell. Generally she contents herself with blushing at nick and being helpless. Not to mention after he groped her she was suddenly all interested in him. I do not understand that kind of weakness. How does one fall for a man that completely disrespects you? Also I tried to defend her from Nick and she just told me it was alright and essentially to shove off in that meek little voice of hers. She may be from Alshmere, but she is lacking in traits that I would consider Alshmerean. Our women are strong, and Kris does not seem to be. Like Nick, I do not yet understand why she was chosen. Also she refuses to present her name and so, as a result I will refuse to ask. If she doesn't want to tell us thats fine, I'm not going to give her the pleasure of pushing for it as thats clearly why she hasn't told us. Going to be trouble here, I can sense it.

Adam: Earth. I like this one. First things he said were snide remarks to Nick. Made me take and immediate liking to him. He told Nick that maybe he could defeat the la'Ronk by yelling snark at them and whining until wanted to kill themselves. Quite, quite amusing. He also seems to be a nice man. I think he's tough too, though not so much that he has no sensitivity to others. I look forward to working with him, he seems like a proper choice for a hero.

Jenna: Lightning. I like this girl too. She's tough. I think we have a lot of traits in common. She has a level head, I can tell. I think her and Adam and I will be friends and I sense they'll take to the same feelings about Nick and Light that I have.

We'll have to see how water is and how she fits in with everyone. And I hope that things improve with Nick and Light. Only time will tell.

[a91nicole]

Funny thing, personalities. Nick has shown me he has one. Do not ask me how as I cannot answer that, or why either. He and Light (whatever her name is) fell behind at the Dawn Castle. What they were doing I do not know or care. I generally don't give a damn what they do. But Nick did elect me leader and he did make some valid points so perhaps he has some semblance of intelligence. I agreed with him, and let it go. Fortunately after getting through to everyone about how we should work together and after Gavyn (water) showed up, things perked up a little.

Oh! Before I forget, my impressions of Gavyn: A very sweet girl, seems a bit innocent and not quite used to fighting, but I feel like she has potential. She tries to be strong, which I can definitely respect. Better to try and best strong and to need practice than to not try at all. I think with some time, Gavyn will really be a good addition to our group. Also, she's calm which helps balance Nick and Light. Adam helps with that too. Jenna and I mostly smirk at them and make snide remarks.

Back to Nick. After he and Light had that weird moment in the tower, He came rushing down ahead of her. He walked up to me, saying something about handcuffs and I'm fairly certain he was making some sort of innuendo. I really considered taking him up on it because I thought it would funny. Then we had this weird moment of electric eye contact.

It showed me something, showed me a crack in his hard earned persona, showed me he had a heart, a soul. Took me by surprise that is certain. It completely reversed my previous opinion of him, especially considering he blatantly ignored Light to it and she seemed really upset. I guess he didn't much care about her like I'd thought, but I do feel bad for the girl- she will have her heartbroken, although that sympathy only goes so far considering she fell for him in a few hours. But that was beside the point. I felt something break in him, a wall come down, and I know something in him possibly broke something in me. It was a good break. We started to understand one another, and I now know there is something deeper to him.

Nick has a chance now, and I want to see how our relationship progresses. I'm sure you're wondering, journal, if I mean to be romantic with him, but the answer is I do not yet know. He is attractive, and I feel like we could get along if we made the effort, but I don't know if it would be enough for our caustic elements to combine.

There is also the issue of Adam. He's got a great sense of humor, and I'd never have to worry about him turning on me like Nick would be apt to do on a moment's notice. But he may be too kind for me, and I think Gavyn and he would be cute. To be honest, as much as I'd love a significant other, I cannot say if that person is in this group and the mission always comes first. I cannot forget my family, they are the reason I am doing this. If something happens on the way, wonderful, but it is not my main intention.

It seems to be all Light cares about, however, and I find that quite immature. Romance shouldn't be a priority at a time like this, and if Light keeps that up, she will hear it from me.

[a91nicole]

Let me preface this by saying that the only thing keeping me sane this afternoon was the comforting thought that at some point I will be able to make kittens out of fire. Which is awesome. Now then, onto the issue at hand.

I really hate stupid. But do you know what I hate more than stupid? Self-indulgent martyr stupid. Which is everything that stupid little light elf is. Who apparently is so starving for attention she wants to make us ask for her name. Which is another thing I really cannot stand. I mean what the hell is with this whole "i'm totally aware this people don't know my name but instead of offering it I'm going to hide in the corner and brood until they ask" act? There's nothing real and believable about this girl. She's the worst sort of pathetic. Pathetic that doesn't make an effort to be better. Also technology makes me sick, and I was surrounded by that too. Today was not a good day, and I feel it is high time to let the fire burn brightest. Because self control is overrated and it took all I had not to give Light a lovely first degree burn all over her body.

Apparently she finds it to be acceptable behavior to overlook the mission at hand (bond, become people that actually want to help each other, open up, save the world) and instead mope behind the group hunting for attention. Clearly the girl was not raised by a proper Alshmerean family that pays attentions to each other because she's as starved for attention as a five year old. But she doesn't seem to realize that moping around saying 'o woe is me' without making any effort to reconcile anything isn't the way to get it. Being strong and sucking it up is the way to get it. Interacting positiviely is the way to get it. Participating, living, moving on is the way to get it. I don't fucking care that her family is dead its no excuse. I don't fucking care if a guy flirted with you and then ditched you. Its no excuse. There are no excuses for weak.

My family's dead. I watched them die, I watched them rape my mother. I watched my parents watch their eight year old son die. And do you know who killed them? I did. Because I was stupid and thought that starting a rebellion was a good idea and they got the blame for it. Somehow the La'Ronk missed that they had a daughter. But I know. I know they'd still be alive right now if I'd been smarter. If I'd not become a thief and a naysayer and a vigilante. I guess the gods imbued me with the desire to rebel so that when this mission came I'd be able to lead (because clearly their other choices are... lacking in some areas). But my point is, I highly doubt that Light, an Alshemerean which means she loves her family dearly, was the cause of their deaths. Do you know what that does to me? Every day I have to wake up knowing I killed them. I have to be strong because the only way I can make their deaths matter and atone for my sins is to destroy every last La'Ronk on this earth. And they will die. They will burn, and I will watch it which the same happiness a woman has on her wedding day.

I'm about to be self-indulgent here, but I damn well deserve it and no one reads this anyways- Chances are, I have the worst loss of anyone here. I didn't only lose my dearest loves, I killed them. I'd like to see Light handle that. She's have killed herself. Which is why I can't stand her attitude. What RIGHT does she have to linger and mope about over a BOY? WHAT FUCKING RIGHT DOES SHE HAVE!?! NONE. So she's willing to be dragged off by a La'Ronk (I wish he'd kept her) because Nick spoke to me? Yet I am expected to lead and be strong and pulled together when I killed my family? I'm not allowed to speak to Nick because it might her that selfish little imps fragile little feelings. Like hell I'm not!

Light is everything I disrespect and hate in a person, and I know the gods are testing me by putting her under my care. And thats the thing, I do not care about her. Not at all. I only care that she lives long enough for us to win which, due to her self-indulgent martyr behavior, I would be surprised if she did. I need to put a damn leash on her and make sure she doesn't go cry behind a bush somewhere. I swear its like she WANTS to be kidnapped so that we have to save her and find her. Like hell I want to do that. But my duty is to my land, and to my family, and for that, I must keep her safe. Which isn't at all fair.

Also she claims she cannot control her powers. Yet she made an entire roof sized force field. I don't buy a bit of it. She's playing that card for pity from us, and in the hopes that we will notice her poor innocent naive little soul and cater to her and baby her. I'm not doing that. Every time she gets kidnapped due to her own actions, I will refuse to show any pity, because I"m not going to pretend like I believe her act. All she'll get from me is an earful of the truth. Which I gave her today.

And that bitch had the gall to yell at ME. ME- her leader. Like she has some right to tell me I'm wrong and that I need to go easy on her and that I'm not being fair. I'll tell her whats not fair, not fair is how she expets pity for Nick ignoring her yet I'm meant to be perfect even though I killed my heart, my dear family. Not fair is me being stuck with a hero like that. Not fair is her slowing us down for her pity party. Not fair is her expecting us to baby her because she hasn't taken the time to learn her power. Not fair is everything she expects us to give where she contributes nothing. I'd like to see her try to talk back to me again, she does that and I will slap her across the face. She could use that.

I'm going to make her strong. I'm going to make her something more than the useless gnit she is right now. The hard part though, is going to be somehow finding respect for her. And that seems like something that will never happen. How could I respect someone who doesn't even care enough about the lives of her comrades to catch up? She's selfish and self indulgent, not to metnion stupid. I'm so upset right now (Which I'm sure has been pretty obvious) I'm fairly certain I could easily make half this city explode (it'd be an improvement). I have to take a step back from her, I have to regain my composure. It's just so difficult. Everything about her is everything I hate in this world. I don't want to save this world if I'm saving people like her. I hope she's the only one. And I hope she changes, because I cannot take this. I should be better than her, I shouldn't let her get to me, but I just can't help it. I have to calm down though, and on that note I'm going to quit writing about this and go find something to distract me until I calm down.