Finding the Light

[MoonKissedFlower]

Finding the Light

A Journal for Kristen Marie Bishop; Light Elementalist
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[MoonKissedFlower]

There were ten of us, in the beginning. Momma and Poppa were crazy in my opinion, for having so many of us. First there was Jacob, then came Elizabeth, Henry, Adrian, Jestine, Heather, Markus, and then Me. I'll never figure out why they continued after Jake. He was perfect. He had the best traits of both of them, plus more, and none of their faults. The children that followed him were a conglomeration or misfits and trouble makers.

Poppa worked too much. Always out in the field or trading in town. And Momma was always exhausted. After havign eight kids I don't really blame her, plus she had to clean up after all of us, feed all of us. I know we weren't easy on her.

I never really felt like I belonged to my family, well, not anyone but Jake. Being the baby after so long and so many children, momma was tired of changing diapers. so Jake took care of me. I think maybe I was an acciden't. I'm almost positive I was. Everyone else was born while momma was in her twenties. she took a break here and there, but for the most part it was one right after the other. But there was a six year gap between me and Markus. I don't think they were expecting me.

Ever feel like you just don't belong? I felt like that alot. Jake was fourteen when I was born. More of a father than my real one was. I didn't mind though, I had him, so what did I need anyone else for? I never questioned why my parents didn't pay attention to me. I never asked why the conversation stopped when I walked into a room. I never once asked why mom and dad always faught. I was too little to really know anyway. I had no idea if it was really about me or not. I know dad used to hit me, but he hit all the kids. Dicipline. Although I got hit more than most.

Jake was the one that taught me not to worry, not to care about what others thought of me. He was the one that was there for every night mare, scraped knee, and tear. He was the one that taught me how to smile. He made sure I was always laughing, he just had that brightness about him that was contagious. I always wanted to be like that, and I guess for a while I was.

I was eight when I wittnessed the fight between my biggest brother and my father. I had gotten in trouble earlier for playing in the fields, a black eye and a handprint on my cheek was my reward. But as I left I could hear them saying my name so I inched closer instead, creeping through the stalks of corn yet to be harvested. But Jake saw me. It was the first and only time he ever yelled at me. I ran back to my room crying. It was a little while later that Jake ran into the house shouting about an accident out in the field. The thressher slipped, cut poppa's leg and he bled out. To this day I don't think my father's death was an accident.

But that was the day that everything started to change. Momma got sick. She died not quite a year later. Jake did his best to keep the farm going and take care of me. I'd spend all day out in the field, helping him as best as a child could. but the farm was slowly dying. My other siblings wanted nothing to do with the farm. They saw a better future out in the big cities so they left us.

Over the next few years we recevied letters from different places. Notices of our relatives deaths. Elizabeth and heather were killed in a transport ship accident. Markis tried joining the la'Ronk and died in training. Jestine was killed in a mugging. Adrian hung himself and Henry, well.... Henry went missing. No one really knows what became of him. Being just nine, Their deaths didn't really impact me too much. They never paid me any mind. But with each new letter, I watched the light within my brother slowly weaken.

The farm continued to go under. And as the years passed, less and less of our land became useable. We got less and less food with each harvest. Jacob did his best to try and keep me happy, which I was. I was perfectly content on it just being the two of us. But he started getting thinner. And weaker. I didn't know that he was starving himself to feed me. I wouldn't have let that happen had I known.

I remember him the one night sitting next to me on our porch. "Krissy, you have to remember something for me 'kay? You have to never give up. Don't lose hope. You have the power to light up the world, I don't want you to forget that okay? So no matter what you always have to keep going. Darkness is just the absence of light. You just have to find the crack to let the light back in." Then he kissed my cheek and shooed me of to bed.

It was the last thing he ever said to me. In the morning, he was gone. He had told me years ago that he'd leave if he knew he was going to die, he didn't want to traumatize me with finding his body. So I think that's why he left. I never really knew what he meant by those last words. But I slowly felt that little light he had fostered within me dwindling now that he was gone. I did my best on the farm, to try and care for it, but there was really no point anymore. Not when I was all alone.

In town while putting the property up for sale was when i felt a strange, pulsating tug. It lead me to the old tree in the center of the decrepite town I called home. Lying at the bottom was a man I almost wrapped my arms around. He looked just like Jake. Sounded like him too. But, Jake was dead wasn't he? He was gone in the morning...

He even had Jake's necklace. Covered in blood and stab wounds the man was surly going to die, but he was smiling. "This is for you," he said. "Your brother wants you to keep it safe. Listen to him." As soon as the glowing crystal was in my hand, the man stopped breathing. I put the necklace on and haven't removed it since.

I hear Jake's voice every so often. Telling me of a great destiny. I don't want to disapoint him so I listen. I'm heading out to find other's like me. I just hope I can keep my light alive long enough to be able to help and to be able to make Jake proud.

[MoonKissedFlower]

It was on my trip to get where Jake's voice was telling me that I learned more about myself and this new ability I had. The ability to manipulate and control light. It didn't seem real at first, but with Jake's urging's i pressed on and tried to do differnt things. I wasn't very good. I could barely keep the energy in check. It required all my focus to do one simple task and most of the time even then it didn't work. I wonder if the others are having this much trouble.

I have my hammer and the knives Jake helped me make at my side always. His voice warns me of the la'Ronk. That the people my other brother tired to join were out to kill me. I need to find the others and soon. I just hope that I gain some kind of control over these powers soon. I don't want to be the only one who can't. I've got to find some way to help.

Discouragement comes more and more often now that Jake is gone. His voice doesn't always echo in my head and its when he's not here that I feel my light going out. I don't know if i can do this. How am I supossed to mkae friends when the only people I've ever known were family. Homeschool and raised by my brother on a farm, we didn't exactly have neighbors I could play with.

Honestly I'm not really sure how to get along with other people. Jake tells me to just smile and it'll be easy. But It's so hard to smile when I'm all alone, when he isn't here to make me laugh or smile. He told me once that when I was a baby my laugh lit up the house literally, almost blinded my family it was so bright. I don't know if i believe that story completely, but its something nice to think about, that my laugh can bring that much joy and light. I can't remember tha last time I laughed.

[MoonKissedFlower]

I've never had as much composure as I've tried to make people think. When Jacob died I cried for days. I couldn't get out of bed, i couldn't eat. I had lost the one person I cared about. The only person who knew me.

Then the man that looked like Jake, the one that gave me his necklace. I broke down again. I screamed and dropped to my knees. I could barely see but that didn't stop me from trying to stop the bleeding. There wasn't too many people in town by that time, but I managed to bring them all out. The crowd gathered around us as I screamed for him not to leave me. Not again. I couldn't bare the thought of being alone.

Finally a woman pulled me away and took me into her shambles of a home not too far away. While some men dealt with the body the woman tried to calm me down. Ther was so much blood.

I couldn't get rid of it all I wiped it on my skirt, on the fabric, anything to get my brother's blood off of me. Finally The woman gave me a sink to wash, but it was no use, it just wouldn't get off of me. Sometimes I open my eyes and I still see all the blood on my hands. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that dark red that stained my hands.

His blood still stains my skirt to this day. The garment itself was nothing but an odd mash up of patches so inside out it diddn't look all that different than it had before.

I woke up screaming last night. With each passing day his face falls out of focus more and more. I'm afraid one day I'll forget what he looks like. Then I'll have nothing left to hold on to. He was the only one. the only one I ever really loved and I never got to say good bye. I never got to tell him how much i loved him.

Jake never got a chance to tell me about Love. I think I kind of ruined that whole opportunity for him. No one wanted a man that bruohgt a little girl along as baggage. He might not have ever told me, but I know how I felt about him. He's the only one that ever hugged me, or kissed my cheek. A perfect man in nearly every way and I thik I destroyed his life. If it wasn't for me, If i had never been born, Jake wouldn't have killed dad. He wouldn't have had to waste his time with me. He could have had a life. He could have done something gfreat I just know It. But no. I took away the great destiny I know he would have had. I ruined his life. Just like I ruined my family.

It was because of me that the farm went under. The family couldn't afford the extra mouth. We didn't make enough. It's my fault dad was always angry and mom was always exhausted. My fault the other kids rebelled. My fault that they all died.

I'm so sorry Jake. You did nothing by love and nurture me. You gave me everything and I took everything away from you, including your life. I don't even deserve to ask your spirit for forgiveness. So I won't. I'll bare that weight because I know It's mine.

I love you Jake

[MoonKissedFlower]

I met the rest of the group today. The others that are supossidly gifted like me. (not that I really think my mess is a gift). The first one to notice me was my counterpart, Dark, a handsome young man named Nick. But I don't exactly know how to process him. It seems that everything he does is to either make me feel flustered, or make Rynn, Fire, completely furous. Are all men like this? Should I just let it go?

Rynn seemed nice at first, eager to get Nick off of me when he tried to make me swoon before anytthing else. I was greatful for that, but I really didn't want to start trouble. But then things just kept gatting strange. And Most of all that fell around Nick.

He hurt his self. And a mirror of the injuries showed up on me. It would explain my inability to keep track of my own brusises. But I don't even know him, why would I be showing his injuries? Is it simply because I am Light and he is Dark? I don't know.

But for whatever reason, I seemed to be able to get Nick to not be so angry or depressed. He didn't yell or fight with me like he tended to do to the others. He was nice, gave me a bit of attention when the others were busywith themselves.Not that I'm craving attention or anything, but, then they got mad at that. Or was it something else they were mad at?

More people showed up and if seemed to just be more of the same. I said Hi to a few of them, but never really got around to talking before someone else came in and stole their attention.

I'm just not good withpeople. Jack only ever cared for me and he was the only one I ever went to when I needed something. Despite coming from a huge family, I've never had to learn how to function in a group like this. I was always ignored and I dealt with it. But.... With the exception of Adam.... None of these people are like Jake. How am I supossed to interact with them? It seems that anything I do gets me a death glare from Rynn. The others either haven't spoken to me or are just kinds busy with the others.

Is it okay to just but into a conversation and be like "Hey! I'm here!" I would have got slapped if I did that at home. Hell I would have gotten slapped if i was in the same room and wasn't supossed to even hear the conversation.

This isn't turning out well. And everytime something goes wrong, I can't help but think it's my fault. How can I fix this? How can I make it all right when I'm scared to death to even talk to these people?

[MoonKissedFlower]

I've already said that Nick has always been nice to me. Not that the others guys here havent but Nick's been particularly nice? I don't know... This is pathetic. I'm eighteen years old, never even met a boy my own age that i wasn't related to until now. Yeah I'll admit it that I kinda like him. I think. I'm not too sure. Jake always avoided talking about dating and the opposite sex. He never even told me what it would be like when a boy likes me. Would this be my first crush?

Rynn had upset me a bit all admit. Not that I was ready to go cry my eyes out. I was more upset at myself for doing something stupid.

But Nick was trying to cheer me up. And It was working. He almost got a smile out of me.

The group finally started moving and we were going to bring up the rear but once the others were gone, he kissed me. First just my forehead, but then he pinned me to the wall and pressed his lips to mine. My first kiss. It was beyond exciting. It was incredable, I think. I'm not really too sure how I was supossed to feel right then. It seemed to have caught Nick just as off guard. I guess neither of us had been expecing something like that to happen on this adventure.

He ran off and afer catching my breath I followed. It was weird though. I thought a kiss was supossed to mean something? Right? Wasn't a kiss supossed to be a sign of affection? Something you give towards one other person? But if that was the case then why was Nick all the sudden flirting with the other girls?

Did i miss something? I know my books weren't exactly scientific, but I thought a kiss normally meant something. Aparently not to Nick. IT hurt a little I'll admit. But I had to clear my head make some new ground rules for myself. So I went to the back ofthe group. Where I could focus on my own thoughts. I might have had a crush-thing- maybe on Nick. But I couldn't think too much into it. If he wasn't serious, then I couldn't attach myself to that. He obviously didn't feel the way I thought he did (God I sound insane. I've barely known these people for a few hours and I'm thinking about all this)

So I had to make new rules. Don't let him, or any other guy for that matter throw me off my game. We had a world to save right? I couldn't be distracted by getting upset everytime he flirted with some other girl. Well, it turns out that's alot harder than I thought.

Not that I got a whole lot of time to think about that. The next thing I knew I had a hand clamped over my mouth and another guy pinning me to the wall. It was that med la'Ronk I had seen earlier. He seemed frantic, like he couldn't decide what to say. But He was trying to help i think. I... I'm not really too sure. But his face, It looked so torn.

Then he kissed me. It was a harder kiss than Nick's but not quite as real I don't think. I think his was more of a distraction than a real kiss. So not only was I completely terrified, I was awestruck. Two kisses in the span of an hour. REally? Was the world just out to confuse me even more?

He told me to be careful. Something with our group wasn't right. Then he said his name wasAnt. That he was only going to help. But he was a la'Ronk... could I really trust anything he said?

[MoonKissedFlower]

reserved for fight with Rynn