right now I'm ugly crying in a public bathroom because my boyfriend won't pick up the phone and the last few days have been shit. Can't study, can't concentrate, don't want to. Won't whatever. I just didn't try hard enough and it's like this every fucking quarter. After almost three years of college I still don't have my shit together. I mean it works out in the end, kind of but usually because I do well in lab, on quizzes, whatever. Not this time though. My luck has finally run out or maybe karma is catching up with me. Who the fuck knows? The point is that I got fucked on the quiz, am getting fucked in bio, and my midterm was a big, fat disappointment. I don't even fucking like this class. It's nothing but random facts shoved into 50min before sending us home to read a textbook where we'll actually learn.

Lab though. Lab though. Lab is why I'm here. I got 6 (out of 20) points knocked off for having too many significant figures. Really? Really?! Like being overly precise is going to ruin your/my data? Like having zeros after the numbers makes that much of a difference? Please let me know how 16 versus 16.000 makes a difference, saves a life, kills a person versus 45 and 0.000000045. Not even my chem classes cared that much. Like yeah man, fuck that all my data was numerically correct just fuck it. Could have drawn rainbows and butterflies. Means the same thing. It means I'm a goddamn idiot.

I didn't even want to go to college. FST just happened to be the closest thing to doing what I wanted to do in life. I just convinced everyone else of that so my parents would allow me to move away. They wouldn't let me be anything that didn't have "UC" or "CSU" stamped on its ass. They wouldn't even let me leave the state. In an Asian household you are better off keeping things bottled up because they take any sign of unhappiness as an affront to their parenting abilities and it goes double for mine, except they pretend I'm always happy with what they do, even if I say otherwise or try to defy them. I told myself that I would just sit and learn to take it, but it's not fair that I have to.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't pass with high marks this quarter/get this lab dropped but I don't want it to involve my parents anymore or school or this stupid major.

I have to bike to class soon but I suppose I'll get a post up when I can. At least when I RP I'm not a constant fuck up.