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I looked up at her and frowned. "There's nothing to talk about Amy." I answered flatly. I started the car. "I just don't want to be out right now."
"Let me go home with you, then,"I gazed in the passenger's window. I didn't want her to go, not upset like this. Seeing her eyes in this glossy fashion, this defensive fashion was scary...
I hit the steering wheel and rested my forehead against it. "I want to be alone Amy. I'm not well right now." I said faintly.
I nodded slowly and took a deep breath, shaking my head as I stood straight and corrected myself. I stood there for a moment before turnign and heading back towards the bar, walking slowly. I was trying... Hard, to be there for her. But there is only so far you can push a person.
I sighed, feeling bad. I rolled down the window and looked out at her. "Get in." I said shortly, putting my seatbelt on.
I turned and stared at her for a moment, or stared at her car, before running my fingers through my hair and getting in. It was silent for a moment,"If you don't want me around you can take me home... I understand if you want to be alone."
"I'm fine." I answered. I pulled out and began to drive to Julliard. The pills were starting to take effect and I found it hard to concentrate. I was relieved when I got to the parking lot. I parked and got out, taking a deep breath.
When I walked around the car she seemed unsteayd, emotionally and physically. I stedied my purse on my shoulder and reached down, taking her hand lightly in my own,"Come on, let's go inside.."
I let her lead me to the door and I unlocked the door and went inside. Sydney wasnt here. She left a note saying she went to a party. I went to the bathroom and changed, before taking a few more pills. I felt very numb. I walked back in and sat on the bed, glancing up dazedly at Amy.
"You're high,"I said quietly, seeing the extreme size of her pupils and the small beads of sweat on her forehead. I brushed her wild red hair from her face and sighed,"Want me to get you some water?"
I nodded slowly, trying to comprehend what she was saying. I slowly laid back and stared at the ceiling, my breathing slow and my senses extremely relaxed. I almost felt paralyzed.
I got her a glass of water and sat beside her but she wasn't really there. I sighed and pulled her shoes off for her and covered her up, sitting on the edge of her bed,"Jez, what can I do for you?"
I sighed and glanced over at her, my eyes glossy. "I don't know.." I mumbled, my words slightly slurred. It was hard to talk. "The pills.. Never seem to be enough for me..."
"What do you expect from them?"I asked as I stared down at her. The Jez I knew was in there somewhere, I just needed to find her and keep her with me... Get her through this high.
"To make me forget.. Just for a little while.." I answered, looking up at her beautiful face. She reminded me of an angel.
"How can I make you forget? Anything?"She was almost gone... She was glossy eyes and speaking in a slurred manner... I rubbed her stomach softly, dipping my fingers in the glass of water and stroking it over her forehead, trying to keep her cool./
I shook my head. "No... Nothing..." I breathed, my head spinning. I closed my eyes and ran a shaky hand over my face. I felt numb indeed, but not in the way I wanted.
I sighed and found a rag, sipping it in the water and dabbing her face, and her lips occasionally so she stayed hydrated. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened. I kissed her forehead lightly and turned on the tv, just being there helped, or at least I hoped it was helping.
I can feel the pills taking over my mind now and I just felt really fucked up. I got up and went to the bathroom to wash my face. I stared at my blotchy face in the mirror, my pupils very dilated. I could hear myself whispering how it was all my fault. All mine. I turned around and punched the wall hard, not even feeling the pain. I wiped the tears from my eyes as I stumbled back into the room, still muttering vaguely about how it was my fault and apologizing to thin air.
I jumped to my feet when I heard a bang and waited outside the bathroom, wrapping my arms tightly around her when she came out,"Jez, stop for a second... LEt me hold you... Shh.. You know, when they take cattle to the slaughter house they put them in compression chambers, like a mechanical hug... It compresses the nervous system, slows blood flow, calms them down... It's like a mechanical hug... Because hugs actually calm people down.."I figured if I just kept rambling she would calm down.
"I wish I could just go to the slaughter house." I whimpered, my forehead resting on her shoulder. I began to sob hysterically, my hand clutching her desperately. I couldn't take it. I let go of her and went to my bed, laying down and putting my hands over my face, trying to stop the crying.
"Shhh, honey, it's okay,"I cooed patiently as I crawled in beside her and wrapped my arm over her,"Just breath.. Deep breath. I'm right here for you, focus on my... What color is my shirt?"
I shook my head. "I can't focus Amy!" I said fiercely, my body trembling. I rolled over so that I was facing the wall and I hit it again. "It's my fault.. All my fault..... I told him it was okay.." I whispered, tears streaming quickly down my cheeks.
"Jez, breath, shhh,"I stroked her hair slowly and gently,"Talk to me, what's your fault?"
I closed my eyes as I remembered. "My little brother... He was 13.. The sweetest brother a girl could ever ask for.. He was there for me when I cried.. He beat up ex boyfriends.. He got me ice cream when I was sad.. He was perfect." I took a deep breath. "I was drunk. From a party. I surprisingly made it home and I decided I wanted him to go to his friend's house, so I told him to get in the car. He saw that I was drunk, so he said no and tried to get me out of the car.. But I refused and ended up talking him into it. So while I was driving.. I started to swerve.. He was freaking out and crying, begging me to pull over. But it was too late. We got hit. We rolled over a few times. Totaled the car. He was still alive when the ambulance came. I was crying and apologizing. We go in the ambulance and.. He... He.." I broke off, crying into my pillow..
"Shhh, shhh, Jez, breathe,"I whispered, stroking her hair slowly. I rocked her tenderly as she sobbed into my chest,"What was his name?"
"Ashton." I breathed, my voice catching. I wiped my eyes and tried to stop crying. I killed my little brother..
"Jez, Jez... It sounded like Ashton really cared about you... Do you think he would want this for you?"I streoked her hair slowly,"He would want you to live your life to the fullest..."
"I can't..." I mumbled. "It happened 6 months ago.." I whispered. I had finally stopped crying. I just felt weak, dazed, and sad.
"He wouldn't want you to kill yourself over it... Which is what you are doing right here... Slowly, everytime you take a handful of pills... You are killing yourself,"I said quietly, sighing as I rubbed her back.
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