Cautious Love

"Do you.. ever think of dating again? I mean.. after what happened with you and all.." I said softly, giving her hand a gentle soft squeeze.

I sighed. "I've tried. But it has never worked out. I always get used for sex.."

I nodded slowly. "I know how that feels.." I said gently, and I kissed her hand. "I would never do thT.." I said .

I blushed and looked down. "I know you wouldn't."

"I.. like you alot Constance.." I admitted, looking down. My cheeks felt red hot

I sighed and looked into her eyes. "Have you ever been with a girl? "

"No.. never.. but.. I want to be.." I said softly, and I looked up, then back down.

I sighed. "You're not a lesbian, Adira. Things like this takes time. You need to make sure you know what you want. Think about it for a while, okay?"

"Ive.. been bi for a while.." I said, and I looked back up at her. "I just have been nervous to go for a girl."

I looked up at her. "I can't get hurt again Adira." I said, my voice weak and shaky.

"I would never think of it.." I said , and I looked away, sighing softly. Maybe.. she Just didnt want to.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "I don't want to replace her." I whispered.

"Youre not replacing her.." I said softly. "She.. woukd want you to keep living on.." I said

I nodded. "I know." I whispered. I wiped away my tears and glanced at her.

"Hey.." I said softly, and I kissed her cheek. "I.. didnt mean to come on so strong.."

"It's okay.. Really." I said, cracking a small smile. "I really like you too."

My eyes widened slightly. "Really?" I asked softly.

I nodded and looked down at my lap. "Yeah.."

I took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay then.. I.. dont really know what to do now.." I breathed.. "I know that.. I like girls way more.. after what has happened to me.."

I nodded. "That's understandable.. But you won't know for sure until you've been with a girl.."

"But.. I want to try it.. I mean.. ive always like girls a little.more than guys.." I said. Does she not believe me?

"I just.. What if you end up not liking it? I don't want to be an experiment.."

"I just .. nevermind.. forget it.." I said, and I let her hand go, and hugged my knees..

"Adira.." I whispered, reaching for her hand again, but I decided against it and stood up. "... I should go." I can't believe I screwed things up..

I just stayed quiet, and I rested my head on my knees, hiding the frown that was tugging on my lips. Why did I say anything.. she.. probably dont like me.. maybe she feels bad for me..

I couldn't take it. I held back my tears as I walked out of the house and went to my car.

I felt awful.. I may have just ruined things between us.. why did I say anything? .. I heard the door close, and I slowly got up and headed ro my bathroom, I slumped down onto the floor, my back against the door and I took my razor out and dragged lines across my arm.. further up this time, so they couldn't be seen on my wrists..

I sat in my car for a while and just sobbed on my steering wheel. I wasn't well enough to drive yet.

Blood. Alot of blood. I grabbed a toqel and held it on my arm, taking deep breaths.. tears came to my eyes and I cried softly to myself..

I slowly drove home, then I ignored my parents and went straight to bed.

I slowly closed my eyes, after crying for a few hours.. and I fell asleep there agsinst the door, my arm still bleeding. I felt very light headed..

I woke up the next morning, feeling miserable. I locked myself in my room, crying all day.

I opened my eyes, and I stood slowly, seeing my arms bleeding had stopped, thankfully.. I walked out and I noticed it was the next day.. I just laid down in my bed, and slept.. I still had this guilt.over.me...

I got out to take a shower and eat a banana, then I went back to bed, turning off my phone. She doesn't want to talk to me..

I slept till later that day, and I tried calling her.. I left her voicemails, full of my feelings.. and I told her what i had done when she left.. I just vented.. knowing she wasnt there. Just her voicemail.. after that, I wiped my tears and just curled up in the bed, closng my eyes..

I slept all day and part of the night. I finally woke up and sat up, sniffling softly.

I had my ohone on, by me.. as I slept. Not like she would respond or anything.. I continued to sleep, no dreams or anything.. just restless..

I turned my phone on and I listened to her sad voicemails. Wow...

I just gave up on sleeping and i sat up, and I ran my hands through my hair, im a wreck.. no wonder she dont want to be with me..

I decided on something. I texted her and told her to come over.