Cautious Love

I dropped my yogurt, and just looked at her... I didnt hear her right, thats what it was. I just tried to make something else out of the words.. but they clearly stated the thing I dreaded to hear..

"It's.. Fairly early.. And there is a surgery that could be done to remove the tumor but it's very risky.. And they said my chances of getting pregnant ever are about a 30 percent..."

This was real.. this was no little joke or anything like that. I sat down, and I started to shake.. Oh God Astoria..." I said, tears running down my cheeks now

I slowly took his hand and held it tightly in my own, and I was soon crying as well. "I'm so scared Angus." I whispered shakily.

I sat on the bed beside her, and I kissed her forehead.. "I'm scared too.." I said. "We woll fight this thing Astoria.." I said softly..

I closed my eyes and let myself calm down before speaking again. "Could you call my parents please?" I asked, my eyes remaining closed. It'll be too hard to tell them myself..

I nodded slowly. "Anything.. for you.." I said gently and I stood and walked into the hall and I did what she asked, calling her Mom and Dad. Once done, I walked back in, and I sat back in my chair and held her hand tightly.. "What do we do?.." I asked her

I sighed. "We decide if I should do the surgery." I answered. "We can decide that later..." The doctor came and gave Angus heavy pain medication and told him to only give it to me if it gets too intense. Then I was free to go.

We would discuss it at home.. after getting her medication , we headed out to my car and I helped her in, and handed her a water bottle. "Here.. check the dosage and take some." I said, and handed her the pill bottle.

I checked it out and took one pill, since the pain wasnt unbearable yet. We went home, then my mom greeted is and we were all crying together. Then my mom made me go lay down and she even tucked me in and everything before she went to work.

This was bad. All of this.. I walked into her bedroom and sat at the foot of her bed. "We have to talk.." I said softly

I opened my eyes and looked up at him, nodding in agreement. "Let's talk then.."

"Your treatment.." I began. "Two options.." I began, after doing a shitload of research, and my own experience when mt grandma had cancer. "The surgery, very very risky.. not good odds against it at all.. then right after that surgery, youre still not done, and you have to do radiation treatments on it.. it feels like they are burning a hole in you when its done, uncomfortable.. then theres the second option.. Chemo. It shrinks the Tumor untill its gone completely. You lose your hair, and feel shitty for a while... lose weight.. but theres breaks in between.." I said,

I turned my face away from him and I closed my eyes. "Neither of those sound good.." I mumbled. And I sighed shakily. "I don't know, Angus.. I can't believe this is happening.."

"Come here.." I said, and I took her hand and pulled her close to me. "I think chemo is the best option.." I said quietly, and kissed her neck.

I buried my face in his chest and began to sob quietly, shaking my head over and over. "I don't want to go through that.. If I'm going to die from this, I don't want to suffer by going through chemo first.."

"No.. please Astoria dont say that..." I said, wrapping my arms around her and holding her tightly.. tears ran down my cheeks, and my heart was being ripped from my chest..

I looked up and saw that he was crying and I gently wiped the tears away. "Please don't cry Angus.." I whispered, looking into his glossy eyes.

"Its really hard not to.. especially when you're trying to help.. but nothing is working..." I said, looking away and loosening my grip slightly.. I didnt want to lose her..

I closed my eyes and slowly let my body relax in his warm embrace. "I promise we'll be okay." I whispered. "Please let's not talk about it anymore today.." The medication was starting to take effect and I was getting numb and drowsy.

"Okay.." I said, and I rubbed her back gently in calming circles.. what about me wanting to propose?.. "In a little while.. lets go to the fort.."

I smiled and tilted my face up to kiss his jaw gently. "Okay." I whispered. And in a few minutes I was out.. Sleeping deeply in his arms.

I shifted slightly so I was laying down, her drugged up and in my arms.. she needed this rest, with no pain to bother her.

A few hours later, I woke up with the pain and I sighed, slowly sitting up and wincing. I wasnt tired anymore, at least.

I had also fallen asleep, and when I felt her sit up, I opened my eyes and sighed.. I sat up also and I rubbed her back and kissed her neck, trying to coach her through the pain

I looked up at him and sighed, smiling slightly. "Thanks.." I mumbled. I slowly swung my legs off of the bed and stood up, gasping in pain. I walked to the bathroom and found that it was extremely painful to use. Then I walked out and collapsed on the couch, the pain making me dizzy.

It pained me to see her like that.. it really did.. it scared me so bad also.. I grabbed her pills and walked down and had her take one, then we were on our way to the fort.

Once we were there, I sat down on the pillows and looked around, a small smile on my face. Then I looked up at Angus, a pain growing in my heart. I love him. And I'm scared of the possibility of me dying.

Once she was on the pillows, I knelt on one knee and kissed her softly.. I then stayed on one knee and I pulled the felt box from my pocket.. I wanted her to know how much I lived her before going head first into this cancer.. "Astoria.. you have been apart of my life for so long.. and I want it to last forever. You have helped me so much, and at this time.. it's time I help you.. and I will, and I'll be by your side the whole time.. please, marry me.."

I looked down at the ring, and into his eyes, and I felt tears began to well up in my eyes. "I want nothing more than to marry you Angus.." I whispered. "But.. What if I don't survive Angus?" I closed my eyes and wiped the tears from my cheeks.