It was almost as if walking into New Vegra had removed the compassion that once filled Nick's eyes. His lips released a low snarl as his eyes narrowed to glare ever so intently at the lights of the city. Though he once enjoyed this city, he had hated how it became a city of crime and disgust. The people of this city were lower than low and the lives the people lead were almost sickly. How as it that people took pleasure in raping the innocent? How was it okay for murder to be deemed okay? Death, corruption, and death plagued this city. The scent of fear was so putrid that Nick's nose wrinkled in horror. He was not looking forward to this city.
Trying to regain his softer complexion, Nicholas finally drew to a dead halt. Fists clenched and hair covering his eyes, the male fought back a flood of tears. Why was he on the verge of crying? What was happening within the dark depths of Nick's mind? Praying that no one would notice his ill composure, the male took a stiffened stride forward, but only to freeze dead in his tracks.
You're pathetic.
His voice. It cracked within his brain. The words he spoke, he feared that they be true. He knew, someone deep within, that they were and he hated it. His eyes looked around at the heroes that were behind him. How as it that they were all right with their new lives? Just what was pushing them into this unknown future? Why were they selected?
He had so many questions and knew there the answers were hard to receive. Blood boiling and ices shifting to an icy gaze, Nick thrust his eyes to the sky.
"Why. What did you see in me. You were never there for me and you still aren't. How is it that I have been picked to be the Hero of Darkness. I'm not a hero. I never have been. I've always wondered just why I was picked. Was it because Deks died? Tch, punish me for his death. I see how it is... but is it really... fair?"
His eyes searched the sky for answers, but they found nothing. With a frown on his face, the male looked at the soil below his black boots. "I wish I were stronger... I wish I could walk in his shoes, but I'm afraid... I'm afraid I'm not him. I never will be. Deks was more... spirited. Happier. Light would have been his element. Not Darkness. Not what I am. Everything I am has been brought onto me because of me. My anger, my hatred, they are all that I know. I've nothing in this life that I cling to. My hopes were shattered when mother slipped from this earth. My dreams were crushed when I saw my father's selfish act of heroism. My happiness was drained for my veins when they took her away. And then my sanity was driven away when I saw his life perish."
"I remember those eyes. They were full of such hatred. I don't even know why. Was it because I was pursing his woman? Or was it because I was supposed to die? Did he know something I didn't? Was he angry because... I was able to live? Is it... my fault he's gone. Did I... did I betray him without even knowing? Not knowing. It's what eats at my very core. I cannot stand to know that all my questions have no answers. How is it fair. I said, HOW IT IS FAIR!"
"You take life and expect me to return the favor by fighting in your name? For your cause. I think not. And yet, if I don't fight.... they all die in vain. They died without a purpose. Without a just cause. So, for the sake of those that have fallen before me, I shall rise to the occasion and I will become nothing more than the very thing you've created -- darkness. I care not to fall in love. I don't long for friendship. I want emptiness. Loneliness. I want to be loathed. I want to live my life with no remorse and no regret. My actions shall be my own. I won't, for the sake of my family, crumble to be someone I am not. I've always hidden my true nature. I've always feared that, if I let the darkness with my heart swallow me whole, I would fall down a path I did not want."
"Why, why did you pick me? I'm no hero. I should have been the one to destroy the heroes. The one to enslave the world. The very person I always feared I'd become. How am I not that? Why must I fight for light and justice. Those terms, they taste sour on my lips. I don't want anything to do with them. But... I must learn to endure them. I have to. I won't let you die for nothing."
"Mother, I wish I was as strong as you. You never gave in and you always pushed forward. Sister, you were so pure and innocent. Darkness never tainted your soul and it never would have. Father, you're selfless acts of love have proven to me that mankind is not worthless and that people are not only concerned with their own life. Deks, brother, I wish I were as flexible as you. You always knew what to do and how to make things right, even if it bothered you. And then, you, how is it that you landed the role you have? A sick twist of faith, I believe. But still, you have taught me so much. You always believed in me and protected me. Sheltering me from the bitter life I was meant to live. You were a protector. And that, that is what I will become."
"Darkness, consume me. Eat my soul. I want nothing to do with a heart for if I have a heart, I will have a weakness. That weakness will bring my untimely death. So, without a heart, I shall become the most powerful fiend of darkness you will have ever created. I shall cast my life away and swear my allegiance to the darkness, to the shadows. You shall learn to fear me and the power I will learn to control. Darkness. It is what I am. I shall make you proud. I will fulfill my mission. I shall not stray off the course. Love, friendship, and happiness are not meant to touch my soul. I have but one mission. To destroy the la'Ronk. Once my mission is complete, I shall vanish from this earth. I've no other purpose but to save the innocent. I must protect the light by being the guardian of darkness. I shall not fail you. I will destroy the unjust. I will not allow the planet to crumble under my reign. I will not lose."
A wrinkle formed on his forehead as he spoke in such a cynical tone. Anger and disgust filled his voice as did hatred and self-loathing pity. Lost in thought for about two months, the male was finally coming to terms with his destiny. Although he hated the idea of relinquishing his lighter side, Nick knew that if he didn't allow his body to be eaten alive by darkness, he would never fully understand his purpose. Furthermore, he would never be able to overcome his fear of the darkness... of loneliness.
For the past few weeks, Nick had crippled under the pressure of being alone. Of being useless. Of being the reason that his life was so unworthy of happiness. Now, finally on good terms with his life, his future, and his destiny, the male turned to glare at the people behind him. He had no interest in pursuing anything other than his goal. His mind erased all hopes of salvation. He was, from here on out, going to be the bitter people he always feared he would be. His entire life, he had been living a lie. Happiness was just a foolish joke to him. Never again would it let that world ruin him.
[[ There will be a series of journal entries to explain this sudden outburst. They'll, hopefully, pop up sometime later today and tomorrow.]]