Cautious Love

People were stopping in the hallway now. "How was I supposed to fucking know, huh? I was not here when this shit happened, Angel face!"
That was a mistake, that I instantly regretted. All the jocks went "ooooh!!"

I cringed at the name, and just stared at him for a moment. "You're a fucking asshole." I spat, then I burst into tears, hurrying out of the building and running back home.

Fuck! I say crazy shit when I'm mad.. And I don't mean any of it! "Get the fuck off me." I said, pushing Ashley away. "You're the fucking whore of the school, and would have loved to fuck me on the first date. You're the real angel face around here." I spat at her, tears filling her eyes, and everyone looked at me shocked.
I quickly pushed past everyone and rushed back home.. How.. Would I fix this?..

I ran to my room and slammed and locked the door. I ripped the bandage off of my wrist and grabbed my razor, gashing my wrist. I hate him.. So much..

I tried to open her door.. But it was locked. "Astoria.. Let me in.." I said. "We can talk about this..." I said.

"Get the fuck out!" I screamed at him. "Go back to your whore Ashley, and you can start being like everyone else, because you're already off to a great start!"

"Just let me come in.. Now. Then I'll leave.. You'll never have to deal with me every again, I promise.." I said.. But I began to pick at the lock, there was about a thousand bobby pins everywhere..
My stomach was turning, anxiety and sadness flaring up..

"Just leave me alone!" I went into the closet and cut a few more, sobbing furiously.

I picked the lock and the door opened. I saw blood, quite a bit of it.. "Astoria.." I said, and I opened her closet, seeing her there sobbing. I made her do this, this was my fault... My heart ached so much to see her like this. I took the razor, and I put the bloody thing in my pocket. "Give me all of them, now."

"Don't you tell me what to do!" I screamed, and I got up, shoving him, hard.

I let her shove me, I deserved it. "Just tell me where they are, and promise me you will not do this anymore, then I will be gone." I said, calmly. "Please.." I said, pained, tears filling my eyes..

"In the drawer." I groaned, moving to lay on the bed. I couldn't stop crying.

I did just that and I grabbed all of them, and I put them in my room, when I cmpame back I knelt in front of her. I wiped a tear away on her cheek and I looked her in the eyes.
"Hey.. I know I fucked up.. Big time.. And I've said things to hurt you.. And I can't take those words back that I've said, and I'm not asking you to forgive me at all. I'm just letting you know I strongly regret it. I regret coming back, and ruining things even more for you.. I never meant to cause you that kind of pain.. Just please Astoria, promise me you will not hurt yourself anymore, okay? Then I will be out of your life completely..."

I turned my face away from him and attempted to stop crying. "I.. Promise." I said shakily.

"Okay.." I breathed quietly.. I Felt tears fill my eyes, and I wiped them quickly before standing and heading to my room.. I was packed and ready to go, I swung my bag over my shoulder and I left, going back to the homeless shelter..
I felt pain... The only feeling I could feel right now., when I got into the bathroom, I gave myself a large dose of heroin, and I sunk down in the stall, leaning against the wall, completely numb..

After I finally calmed down, I bandaged myself up and went to his room. He's not there.. I grabbed my phone and quickly called him. "Please pick up.."

I was blurry, and I felt a weird thing in my pocket, I pulled the weird device out and pressed the green button. "He...Hello....ahh.." I groaned out, my speach clearly impaired..

He sounded seriously fucked up.. "Angus? Where are you? I'm coming to get you."

"Shit.. I'm.. Sor..ry I wasn't sup..supposed to talk to you, eve..ever again." I mumbled, and my brain was everywhere. "I.. I think immm.. In the bathroom at the sh..shelter." I said, some words hard to say. "And, I would.. Like cheese on.. The pizza..." I added, confused.

"Stay there." I said, and I hung up and borrowed my mom's car. I drove quickly to the shelter, and I went in and found the bathroom. "Angus." I said, pulling him up. "Come on."

I groaned as I stood up, and I shook my head slowly. "But.. I.. I...I...." I began, losing my train of thought. I looked down at my bag and I grabbed it, lazily throwing it over my shoulder. "I promised I woo..wouldn't talk to you.." I mumbled, rubbing my eyes and walking out with her, leaning on her slightly. "Did I ever.. Apologize? Its really hard to.. To not talk to such a st..stunning girl like you.." I ranted. "I mean, I freaking love you, why would I ever want to le.. Leave you, I don't knowwww..." I continued to mumble on, some words unreadable.
Soon we were outside and I slowly got in the car. "Wow.. Is this a space ship?.. Astoria, can we .. Go to heaven in a spaceship? I want .. To see my mom."

Did he just say he freaking loved me? I helped him in the car and I began to drive back home. My heart clenched when he said he wanted to see his mom. I didn't say anything, I just kept driving. I parked at home, looking over at him.

"Your house is heaven? Why.. Didn't you tell me?" I asked, looking at her,stunned. "Well.. Since you live here, I guess it counts as heaven." I mumbled. "What's this!" I mumbled, pulling on my seatbelt, confused as hell

I sighed and got out, going to his size and helping him out of the car. I helped him inside, then I pushed him down on his bed and room his shoes off. "Go to sleep."

"Okay.." I mumbled, and I did just that, sleeping for a few hours before waking up, and running to the bathroom to puke my guts out.. Then I took some pain medication, both my head and shoulder killing me.. I brushed my teeth then I realized where I was.. I walked out into the hallway, confused..

I heard footsteps, and I stepped out, crossing my arms. "You promised me that you would stop." I said to him softly, the darkness in the hallway concealing my expression.

"I'm sorry.." I said, looking down.. "I needed to feel numb because I.." I began. "I.. Just needed it, so bad.." I said, taking a step closer.

I stayed rooted to the spot, watching his silhouette. I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. I was torn between feeling sorry for him and still being mad at him.

"I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry..." I said, my voice breaking., I can't make anyone happy., ever... I keep hurting people I love.. I backed away and I grabbed all the stuff I use to do my heroin, and I handed it to her, all in a bag.. "Get rid of this.." I said, and I backed away and went into my bedroom.. "The dose I took was supposed to kill me.. Dammit.."

I went and disposed of the heroin, then I sat in my room and cried silently. He's hurting.. And so am I.. And I don't know what to do about it..