Vae Victis

Mentally shaking Mira's words from her mind, Elaine listened to J'aquen with mounting criticism of his point of view. To her, it seemed like nothing but empty ideals and platitudes, lacking in any valid reasons to believe in.

Elaine was about to say as much until she caught herself, remembering that J'aquen did not know about her past. He could not possibly understand how his views might turn to ash if he had gone through the same experiences she had.

"Sometimes I forget you were born in a colony," Elaine said, looking down with empty eyes at her plate. "You got to live a normal life before becoming a Raider, so you get to say those things. Me, I was literally raised to be one and you weren't around five years ago.

"I mean just imagine dozens like me, trained for years and years before the actual training. Nothing but high expectations for the lot of us. Can you imagine how much of a waste it was when half of us were suddenly wiped out when the dragons hit?

"They attacked the fucking Fort itself and for all our training there was nothing we could do. Absolutely fucking nothing. Before we could even begin..."

Elaine snapped her fingers.

"Just like that in a matter of seconds! And when I heard that my best friend who was like a brother to me had died, would you really tell me then that it's better to care when it hurt so much?"

Shaking her head, Elaine looked up into J'aquen's eyes again with a look of absolute disagreement.

"It doesn't help... but it's true what you said, about what we have to decide to risk everything for and my reason is vengeance. The dragons hurt me so I will hurt them back, it's as simple as that and better that way."

Pausing for a moment, Elaine let out a sigh to calm herself down and then continued as she regained her composure, "But recently, I've been caring less and less about even that now. I was in a really bad place back then and, well, I got better, but it's still a weight I'll be carrying for the rest of my life. One thing I learned throughout all of that is that it's best not to care at all if you want any peace of mind."

Taking a bite of her pancake, Elaine realized that J'aquen had not interrupted the entire time and she suddenly felt a flash of embarrassment. "Oh gods, I think I was actually monologuing. Sorry, I got a bit dramatic there. It's just... I don't know. I guess I just wanted to tell someone all of that for a while."

Listening to Elaine's tale, J'aquen felt she and Nikita were very similar. The way they looked at the everyday. Though, he had to admit that Nikita once had a dark look out on the world, she let a little light inside. Even if it was fainter than his, or Olivers. S'Rye's used to be the light everyone could see by, when she insisted on sharing it. Who knows if she might ever do that again?

J'aquen let out a soft breath and shared a small moment of silence. Whether it be for the people she spoke that died, or the fact that it was just right to wait before talking, he didn't know. He extended a few fingers briefly, as if to say not to worry about sounding like she was monologuing.

"Sometimes a persons got to say what they got to say." J'aquen said in response. "It's good to get things off your chest..." He didn't try to snatch more food, or crack a joke here. J'aquen knew when to keep things on a serious level, without letting them go too dreary.

"Elaine, I know being a Colony-boy instead of being raised as a Raider makes it seem like I don't know what I'm talking about, but you'd be wrong." J'aquen let out a breath. "We've only known each other for a little, compared to the time we spent apart, even if it seems like forever. At least to me." He told her. "I know I joke and smile, but..." An expression not seen on his face briefly settled on him, furrowing his brow. In that moment, J'aquen looked older, with hints of the kind of loss around his eyes. But he took another breath and smoothed out his features. "You lost so much, in such a small amount of time. People you were with since you were young. You just got to hang on, don't go numb or never care again...I am not telling you how to deal with your pain, or saying it's wrong, or saying vengeance is all bad. " He leaned over to her a bit. "Just don't let it take your humanity away."

"I..."

Already have, Elaine almost said before catching herself, realizing how that thought was simply not true and just a bit dramatic. In spite of what she said on the matter, there were at least a few things she cared about. One in particular being her friendship with J'aquen, perhaps the only person who'd think to bring her pancakes after a mission.

Now that Elaine thought about it, she had to admit to herself that the gesture seemed especially considerate. Sweet even, but the following conversation had dredged up many unhappy memories and that was... surprisingly relieving.

Okay, so I'm not an unfeeling robot yet, Elaine thought as she said, "I'll try not to. Thanks for saying all that I guess... and the pancakes. Thanks for that as well. They're really nice."

Elaine took another bite and, whilst mentally reviewing the conversation, she realized mid-chew how foolish some of her words had been.

Choking down the half chewed bit of pancake, she said, "And sorry about what I said earlier, about the colony and all. I shouldn't have assumed. I mean you used to live down there with those dragons. I can't even imagine what that must have been like."

It was all already forgiven. The thing was, it wasn’t even something J’aquen had to say, but he did anyway. “Don’t worry about.” He waved his hand dismissively. “I was hungry anyway, you were on the way to my room.” They had a little laugh at that statement, seeing that J’aquen was 5 levels in the opposite direction from Elaines room. Any distance was ‘on the way’ if it was for a friend. Now, when it came to, lets say, the doctors office, any distance was ‘out of the way’. Even if that distance was across from your abode.

“It was pretty much like what you hear. Some colonies not even surviving through a year, you know?” J’aquen said, remembering it. “You’ve heard why I became a Raider, but you didn’t hear the details. I saw them in action, yes, but it was more than that.” He tapped his finger a bit on the table top, in a thoughtful manner. “The first time I saw a fight, I was about 10. I saw men and women running, and that made sense, right? You got to get out of dodge. Well, then I saw these Raiders fighting that dragon.” J’aquen made a short laugh. “One in particular, your mother, impressed me. But, shush, don’t tell her that.” He pressed a finger to his mouth briefly. “I stood there thinking, I didn’t want to be the guy that ran. I mean, if there are people that can fight, then I want to fight too. I can’t just sit back and watch the fireworks...I got to be there for people.” J’aquen balled a fist and gently thumped it on the table. “I got be there, you know?”

Elaine was a bit surprised to hear that her mother was the one who inspired J'aquen to become a Raider... and then it didn't seem so surprising after all. How long had the great Annabelle Chiria been defending the colonies? How many regarded her as a hero? And how many were now dead, trying to follow her blindingly shining example?

When J'aquen finished talking, Elaine tried to keep any signs of her troubled thoughts from showing in her face or manner, but there was one that - once it had surfaced - would simply not go away. How long until you end up the same way, J'aq?

"Yeah, shit, that's actually how I felt about that last mission," Elaine replied with a false chuckle. "I mean a new colony, that's just unprecedented and I had to be around for something like that, not dicking around up here on leave... of course, I did just come back from a hunt, so maybe I was still riding the combat high. Maybe I just wanted more action, I don't know."

Thinking back on what she said to the Colonel, Elaine chuckled again, sounding obviously forced this time. "And now I wish I took that leave. I mean Lucas said as much himself, who in their right mind would ever turn that down? Clearly someone who's not in their right mind and I guess I wasn't."

Letting out a sigh, Elaine finished the last bit of her pancake then set her fork down on the plate. "Now there's S'Rye to deal with, probably a few others on their way to becoming like her, and four dead, including Jenkins... he was a good Raider."

"Yeah, I know that feeling." J'aquen said, or so he thought he knew. Scratching his close shaven hair, he let out a breath. "I've jumped back into action before. Once or twice, but in the end, I realized it didn't help me. The body has to rest. So does the mind." He looked at the plate and trays of food. "Got to eat them pancakes." A small smile surfaced.

J'aquen felt this was just one of those learning experiences. He could hear her 'chuckling' and know what she really wanted to do was just not smile, not chuckle. But you laugh or you cry, and there were enough tears.

Giving a nod in agreement, J'aquen absentmindedly squeezed the small, almost unnoticeable raise, of the fabric of his shirt. It's shape was like an odd triangle. The top part being the wide end, tapering down to a point. This object, whatever it was, was set on the end of a thin silver chain. "Jenkins...good Raider, good man." And in his head, like always, J'aquen had a moment of silence for that man. Rest well, he thought.

Then his eyes opened to Elaine and yet his fingers still rested there for a moment. "We'll keep an eye on S'Rye. See how she is. Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. Don't want her to run off on another mission too soon." He chuckled, as if that was just impossible.

"Speaking of which," Elaine replied. "What do you think's going to happen now that the mission's over? I mean, if we just go back to our own companies and it's business as usual then, well, it'll probably be a while before we can talk like this again... and I'm really glad we had this talk."

For whatever reason, Elaine felt her face suddenly growing warm as she said those last few words, so she cleared her throat and began tugging at the front of her singlet as if to cool herself down. Probably those exercises, she thought and then she noticed J'aquen scrunching up something at the neck of his shirt.

"Hey, what're you wearing there?" Elaine asked as she pointed it out.

"A mission like this would give us about a month to rest. I don't think I'll wait that long to talk to you. Why don't you come to Flints tonight?" J'aquen offered. "It's something to do, you get to know the others better." He noted the warmth coming to her cheeks and the way her fingers snagged her collar. He stifled a grin as he pulled out the pendant on the end of his chain. There it was, a carrot with a Raiders helmet. On it's back were wings of an angel.

"It's a symbol made by my little cousin. She's a sweet girl. It represents 'Carrot', my angel." He chuckled with a smile.

"Heh, that is sweet," Elaine replied.

At the same time, she considered declining J'aquen's offer to go out for a night of drinking and socializing. For one thing, that just wasn't her. Elaine had always felt far more comfortable spending time on her own rather than being among a crowd, or even small groups. To her, nothing could be more stifling when she could be training or reading a good story, free to forget about the world for a moment.

Another issue to consider was the plain fact that she'd be an outsider. She was Fort born and the daughter of a hero, raised to become a living weapon against dragons. Anyone who didn't know that much about Elaine would only have to look at her to see that she had no business being at a bar, like a fish had no business being out of water. If there was any reason why she'd go at all, it was because J'aquen was the one who made the offer.

"And yeah, I guess I could use a drink or two," Elaine said, despite her misgivings.

"That's great!" He beamed. J'aquen waited at the door for Elaine to get herself together. Just a singlet and a pair of undies wasn't the casual wear people normally wore at Flint's. After she was ready, the both of them set off for the engine room.

First they went to stop by Nikita's room. J'aquen knocked on her door and her roommate opened up. She was a tall lanky woman with mousy brown hair and dusty brown eyes. "Niki! Your boulder of a friend is here with the sad redheaded chick." she said as she walked off without even a word to either Elaine or J'aquen.

"Hello to you too, Margo." J'aqu chuckled. "Don't mind her, she's just a brat sometimes." He said to Elaine. Niki came to the door shortly after. In silence. She really didn't say much, knowing why they had come. But she did cock a questioning brow at Elaine, having not expected to see her. J'aquen patted Niki and Elaine on the backs as they walked down the hallway.

"We're all hanging out tonight, Nik, it's gonna be fun!" He smiled widely. Nikita gave a sigh, but didn't protest. In all honesty, she didn't like Flint's much. She didn't like it especially when Oliver came. And he always came. Though, when the door was knocked for him, he came out in a solemn mood. J'aquen had time to look past Oliver's shoulder and there was no sign of S'Rye.

"Up for a drink?" J'aquen asked curiously. Oliver shrugged, mumbling a few reasons why a beer or two was better than staring at the wall in a puff of smoke this night. And as for if S'Rye was gonna come, he shrugged as an answer to that too. He was mostly quiet as they walked down the halls, weaving around here and there, all the way to the doors of the engine room.

As soon as they opened, they were met with a busy and loud spacious area. People walked here and there, dressed in civilian clothes. There was smells of food, there was laughter. Going through the crowds, they came too a wide alley. Turning into it, they saw a hanging sign poking out for people to read as they walked down that way. It was an image of a 17th century gun with the name. "Flintlock" across it. The doors were mismatched. They swung open easily and the group were warmly greeted.

"Hey! J'aquie, Olly, and beautiful Nik!" The Barkeep was an Italian decedent. Giovanni Botticelli. "Come and sit at the counter, I've got some good beer you should try! And oh, who is this?" He asked as they came to sit. "Red is part of the Italian flag, you know? All you need is white and green!" He laughed hartily to Elaine. A good nurtured laugh that came booming out of his throat. He was tall and suave, with a glint of cheerfulness in his dark brown eyes. The scruff of his black beard was trimmed, but not the mop of messy black hair on his head with thick eyebrows to match.