Cautious Love

I nodded slowly, and I reached over and touched her hand softly. "Im very sorry to hear that.. and, listen, if you ever need anything, remember you got my number." I said, smiling warmly at her. I didnt have a problem with lesbians or gays, hell, my best friend back in high school was lesbian. And currently one of my friends I have is Gay, I clearly dont have a problem with them. I, myself think im leaning that way. Maybe thats why I havent had much luck with guys.

I nodded and smiled, slowly slipping my hand out from underneath hers and resting it in my lap. "Thank you." I said softly, sipping my coke. I tucked a strand of my bright red hair behind my ear and I looked down, trying not to think about Madeline.

I sighed softly when she pulled her hand away. "Uhm. Anyway.. I probably should get going." I said. I felt terrible for being so curious about what happened, and I brought the whole conversation mood down unintentionally. Awkward..

I sighed and nodded slowly. "Okay.. I'll.. See you around." I answered, getting up. I walked home, then I ate steak and potatoes with my parents.

Later that night I was sitting in my room, and I picked up my razor and I glanced at my phone, the texts from my mother tearing me to peices. I wish you were never born, you were a mistake. The result of a broken condom, you should have never been here. Youve made my life a living hell. it read. I then slid the razor across my wrist, tears filling my eyes, and I looked at my phone, to see someone was calling me.. I couldn't answer now.. I was such a mess..

I was calling Adira to apologize for the awkwardness and my rudeness when she was trying to comfort me, and she didn't answer.. I probably screwed up any chance of a friendship. I sighed and took a shower, then I crawled into bed.

After my mini break down and cutting spree, I picked my phone up and texted her. Sorry.. I was busy doing something. Maybe we can hang out again tomorrow. Goodnight ;) I then got ready for bed and I laid down, my arms stinging..

I smiled at the text, then I closed my eyes and fell asleep. The next morning, I woke up and got ready for the day, and I ate breakfast and kissed my parents goodbye as they went for job interviews.

I got up the next morning and I went into the kitchen to rinse my razor off and I left it on the counter, not thinking much of it. I got ready for the day and sent her a text. Morning, if you want you could come over for coffee.

I smiled at the text. Sure! I sent. Once I got her address, I drove to her house and knocked on the door.

I got up once I heard a knock on the door and I smiled when I opened it. "Hey, come in." I said, glad I had cleaned yesterday. I was a very clean person to be honest. "Sit , get comfortable." I said. I headed to the kitchen, glad that the two rooms were side by side, so you could still see and talk to the person if they were sitting in the living room. "What do you like in your coffee?" I asked, starting to brew sone

"Just come creamer and sugar." I replied, sitting down and crossing one leg over the other. I looked around. "Nice place."

I got her just that and I got myself one too, I walked over, slowly tryin to not spill them, and I handed hers to her, and I set mine on the coffee table in front of me. "Hows your morning been so far?" I asked, pulling my sleeves doen more.

I shrugged. "Fine. My parents are at their job inteviews. I'm going to go job hunting soon." I replied, taking a sip of my coffee. Yummy.

"Oh? Sweet. The Hot Topic I work at needs a new person, if you're interested." I said, glancing down at my arm. "Hold on." I told her and I quickly got up and rinsed my arm, seeing it was bleeding again. I the. Put a quick bandage on it, staying calm, trying to not make it so obvious.

I frowned and I got up and followed her. "Are you okay?" I asked. I noticed the blood and I sighed, then I saw the razor on the counter. "Adira.." I walked over and hugged her gently. "A beautiful woman like you shouldn't scar her skin.."

I slowly hugged her back, the tone in her voice was shocking.. she.. Cared? "Sorry.. that.. you had to see that.." I said softly. "No one has ever seen this side of me." I said softly, then pulled away, looking back into her eyes. I saw concern written in them. And it made me feel just a little better.

I smiled gently. "I just hope that you will realize how beautiful life is and how it shouldn't just be thrown away." I said, looking down.

"I havent found anything to convince me that life is beautiful.." I said softly. "Everything around me is negative, the people, their attitude, the.harsh words.." I said, my eyes starting to tear up.

I frowned and I gently took her hands. "Well, I'm here now. I'm always here if you need to talk okay?" I gave her hands and affectionate squeeze. I felt bad for her. I really did.

I looked at her, and I nodded slowly. "Thank you.. it honestly means alot to me.." I said softly, and I looked down at our hands, smiling faintly. Ive never let anyone see me like this. Why was I making her an exception?

I smiled and nodded, slowly letting go of her hands, a little awkwardly. Something about her makes me very nervous. And every time I look at her and talk to her, I feel a pang of guilt, even though Madeline is dead..

I saw something in her eyes, guilt? "You alright?" I asked after a few moments. I touched her arm gently and guided her to the couch and sat us back down where we were before.

I smiled, completely hiding my true emotions. As usual. I always hide behind a cheerful smile. "Yeah. I'm fine." I answered, taking a sip of my coffee.

I knew that smile, something I always did also to hide what I truly felt. I saw right through it. But, I didnt say anything, I just nodded slowly and I turned the tv on. "Big bang theory?"

I shrugged. "Sure." I replied, leaning back and watching the funny show, trying not to think about Madeline, about guilt, about hos beautiful Adira is..

I chuckled at the part Sheldon is describing how to play Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spok, favorite part ever. I found that I was the only one laughing, and I glanced at her, seeing the guilt in her eyes. I wanted to ask so badly, but, I left it alone.

I was hardly paying attention. I zoned out so many times. I bit my lip as I looked out the window. "I should go..."

I must have done something wrong.. "O...Okay.." I said, looking down. "Sorry.." I mumbled. Did I already ruin this friendship? Maybe everyone is right about me, maybe im good at scaring people away.

I frowned. "It's not your fault okay?" I gently touched her hand. I looked down at our hands, then I quickly pulled my hand away.

I nodded slowly, when her hand touched mine then pulled away so harshly I sighed. "Sure.." I whispered. She probably just didnt want me to feel bad.

I got up hastily and I blinked away oncoming tears. "I'll see you later.." I said, and I turned away, walking out. I got in my car and drove away. Once home, I sat in my car for a while and let my emotions come out.

It was clear both her and I had our own problems, but I was glad I had someone to relate to. I mean if I didnt just scare her away. I.. had butterflies around her, and I liked her company alot.

I went inside and I made lunch and I ate by myself. I couldn't stop thinking about Adira.. And the cuts on her arms and the tears in her eyes.. She reminded me of Madeline a lot.. Before she had cancer. They look a lot alike.

I got my gym clothes on, short spandex shorts and my sports bra and tank top. I put my hair in a ponytail and I drove to the gym, making sure I had my volleyballs with me. This was my sport, I loved it. Before I played I wrapped my arms with a special tape, all the players did this, so it wasnt out of the ordinary to do so. I got there just in time to start a game with my team I was on. We were training for the state championship.

My parents came home from their job interviews and I told them about Adira. All I said that she is a potential friend and we had coffee. I didn't mention her self harming issue. "Well, we'd love to meet her sometime!" My mother said.

After several practice matches, we all hit the showers. When I walked out of the locker room I felt strong hands grab my hips, and I was pulled towarda an all too familiar body. "Stop.." I yanked away, knowing who it was right away. I felt him grab my wrist, he squeezed hard making me fall to my knees in pain. He squeezed harder, and I held in a scream.. he yanked me up and took me to a secret room, and he did awful things to me.. I hated him so much.. he was rough, very violent.. I quickly got my clothes on and I went home. I heard him say 'You still got it babe.' Beofre I left. What an asshole..

I sat and played piano for my mom and I let my mind wander. How is she?...

I took another shower once home and I scrubbed my body, I scrubbed and scrubbed.. my skin was very red when I was done. I stepped out and put lazy clothes on, and I laid down in my bed, and just went to sleep. I felt sick..

The next few days rolled by and we would text every once in a while, but we never decided to meet up. And quite frankly, I'm not ready to. I need to get my emotions in order before I try to get involved with someone. What am I talking about? I'm only going to be her friend... She's straight, anyways. As far as I know. Then again, I don't know much about her. I decided to go back to the coffee shop, to drink a frap. I sat down in my usual seat in the corner next to the window and I sipped on the cold drink thoughtfully, as I watched the snow fall outside.