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Thread: Opinion on how I can improve my posting?

  1. #1

    Opinion on how I can improve my posting?

    This is what I have so far. By improve my posting, I mean on what places I should add more detail?

    Synopsis
    The Knight of Rain.


    Description
    She is five foot seven and on the curvy side. Her eyes are rain cloud grey while her hair is black. Her black hair is kept short and messy, looking like it was inexpertly cut with a knife. She often has a wooden figurine tied to the belt on her pants. The figurine is in the shape of a satyr, the wood is a silvery gray. Her clothes are rough leather with thin cotton padding underneath to prevent chafing.



    Personality
    She can be a bit snarky towards others. Often times though, she's watching people and smiling as if laughing at some internal joke. She has an unfortunate tendency to try and save people in need of it though. She generally leaves the fighting to those better equipped for it, instead focusing her time on healing.




    Equipment / Abilities
    Equipment: She has a leather pack filled with the staples of being on the road such as a length of rope and a grappling hook as well as flint and tinder.

    Tools: She has a longsword strapped to her side as well as a small, wooden, round shield.

    Abilities: She can create a fog thick enough to disorient the people trapped inside it. She can also solidify the water underneath attackers into ice, causing them to lose their balance. Her healing abilities knit the injuries together over time.


    History
    She comes from a family of travelling merchants though she was passed up in learning anything by her two brothers who got first pick of jobs. She was often assigned the job of keeping an eye on the guards in case they decided to try and filch anything which meant a lot of standing around and being bored when the shop was set up or sitting in the back of the wagon with the other guards and being bored when they were travelling. Her family only travelled to the towns inside the country of the Rain.
    Last edited by Terraplane Blues; 05-03-2012 at 07:16 PM.

  2. #2
    Monarch Schizophrenic's Avatar
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    I actually think that if you put a little more time into it, you could add a little more to each section. I for one, don't think it's necessary to ramble on and on about nothing. But sometimes if you ask yourself some questions while reading through the profile, you can manage to cover more about your character. Just think, others want to know as much as they can about your character you have taken the time to create! We want to picture them just right! But that doesn't mean you can't keep certain things a mystery if you want to! Haha~

    What do i think will help boost the caliber of your profile? Perhaps the flow. Try and write about your character as if you are writing for her, not necessarily listing off things about her. Because most of this does feel like a list. Try using other words to start your sentences other than "Her" and "She".

    But really, you have the means that make a good profile. You've used some descriptive words and phrased things in ways that I really enjoyed. Example - "Her black hair is kept short and messy, looking like it was inexpertly cut with a knife." Love that, it painted an awesome picture!
    Last edited by Schizophrenic; 05-05-2012 at 03:05 PM.
    And I hope you have not a single still moment.

  3. #3
    Imperial Ruler Xavirne's Avatar
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    Like Schizo suggested, I would really just work on making the flow smoother. Profiles don't have to be these long winded really drawn out things. They can be as short as they need to be to get a point across. I know, when I have time, I like to go back and reread my profile - out loud. Reading it out loud helps you catch any mistakes you made and you can see how much you stumble and fumble through things. It also helps you think of new ways to rewrite things.

    Another possibility is to write in the voice of your character. Rather than doing it in a third person point of view, do it right from her view...

    I stand at an even five foot seven inches tall and I'm told I have a nice curvy tone. My eyes mimic the storm clouds - their rain cloud gray. As far as my hair goes, it's black much like the night sky. I prefer to keep it short and, despite what others ask of me, messy. Heh, it really does look like some inexperienced fool took a cleaver to my locks and didn't really care which way they turned out.


    Not everyone likes first person, but I love reading first person profiles. It makes me feel like I'm actually talking to the character. It gives it a personable feeling, too. But, by all means, don't feel like you have it. It really all depends on the story and the character.

    Third person writing is great, too. But, like Schizo said, try to have some sentence variety. Avoid starting every sentence with "she" and "her." Try reversing the order of stuff, too....

    Coming from a family of traveling merchants, she was passed up in learning everything and anything by her two brother who just so happened to get the first pick on the available jobs. She was often assigned the task of keeping an eye on the guards just in case they decided to try and filch anything. Of course, this required a lot of standing around being bored. Whether the shop was being setup or she was stuck sitting in the back of a wagon with the other guards, CHARACTER NAME found herself seeking adventure or something out of the ordinary to happen. What made the trips even more boring was the fact that her family only traveled to the towns within the country of Rain.


    Reversing sentences can prevent choppy sentences and it's also a nice way to start with a new word. Also, punctuate. When you read your passage out loud, wherever you stop, that's where you need either a comma, period, or semi-colon. Also, don't be afraid to use your character's name throughout the profile. It helps us remember who she is. And you can always refer to her by her looks. Like...

    She can be a bit snarky towards others. Often times though, the raven (raven is a term used for people with black hair) watches people, smiling as if laughing at some internal joke. The gray-eyed girl has an unfortunate tendency to try and save people in need of it though. She generally leaves the fighting to those better equipped for it, instead focusing her time on healing.


    Well, I hope that helps. Just keep practicing and definitely check out other user's profiles. You can get ideas from them. If you find a style you really like, borrow it and run with it. The more you explore and play around, the easier it'll be to make one. :]

    - hangouts -
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