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This is a personal thread made for my thoughts throughout the day. It's not a diary, rather, it's a journal to keep track of all my thoughts and my little wonderings about the world. Do not post, this is not a hangout, it is just a personal thread. However, feel free to read it.
xx
There are no words to describe how small and forgettable I am.
Not in how much I weigh, heavens no.
I mean…smallness…as in…you know. I am small. Me. Just…me; my existence is very small.
What units do you use to measure existence? Tablespoons? Cups? Ounces? Pounds? How do you even measure existence anyways? With a note left on your bed and an empty bottle of pills on the bathroom counter?
I think that’s one of the questions we have yet to find the answer to. It’s such a simple question, but it’s so, so very hard to answer.
You know, the smaller an object is, the less gravitational pull it has to others. This is my case entirely. Sometimes, I feel so fucking small that I could just, oh, I don’t know, I could possibly just get up in the middle of class, walk to the tippity top of the building, hold my arms out, lean back, and fall. And no one would give a shit.
I wonder if anyone else is like me, putting this bubbly face on and answering to everyone with a cheery smile- not that anyone would try to talk to me anyways. I wonder if anyone else acts hyper and laughs a lot just because they’re afraid that if they drop the act they’ll know the truth- that they’re alone.
I’m scared, you know? I know the truth but this plaster mask I’ve messily stuck onto myself is keeping me from really knowing that I have no one that will keep me here. And I think that knowing that truth will really break me. Sometimes I feel it in the corner of my mind, tugging at me, flashing neon lights at me, saying, “HEY, NOTICE THE TRUTH, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!” But still, I close my eyes and ignore. But when that happens, I cry. I cry a damn ton. And then I wonder, what will happen when I really do notice the truth?
So why am I even alive? Maybe it’s to find the answer to that question. Or maybe it’s because I want someone to hold me and tell me that it’s okay. It’s okay, so I can keep living. I can keep living and feel wanted.
xx
I believe that being an individual is okay, and that having your interests doesn’t make you a bad person. For the longest time, I had (still have, but it’s not as bad now) an obsession with something called manga, which is a sort of japanese comic, to say the least of it. However, because of this, many clueless people have come up to me and may have purposely or accidentally made comments that made me feel absolutely horrible about liking the things that I like. Things like, “Why can’t you be normal?” or, “What is this weird stuff?” made me feel like I had to give up this hobby, this interest in order to be what they wanted, to be ‘normal’. I didn’t feel confident in my ability to express myself, especially since I draw in a style based off of manga. I had a girl once tell me to draw her, but, “Don’t make me look asian.” I do admit that manga has a distinct asian style to it, but at the time I couldn’t draw realistically and though I tried to draw her, she complained that it still “looked too asian”. Then she proceeded to poke fun at my drawing style for the rest of the time I’ve known her. I was in a bit of an art rut for a while after that, but then I came to a few realizations- or rather, a couple of realizations.
Do you know, how in those huge three thousand piece jigsaw puzzles, there is always a missing puzzle piece?
I'm no missing piece. I'm just the piece that doesn't fit, you know, the type that no matter how hard you turn, push, or stuff, just won't fit into the missing square. In fact, everyone is a bit like the piece that will never fit, but depending on who you are, you fit better into the puzzle than others. See, we're all different, and none of us are factory copies of each other. We each have different interests and different ways to cope with our problems. Sometimes, you get laughed at for your interests- in the worst case, you're bullied for it.
That's the kind of attitude that I find detestable. First off, why would you want to tease, poke fun, or hurt someone because of something that they like to do? Is it because it is out of the norm?
What norm is there, anyways? There is society's definition of normal, where no idiosyncrasies are found and everything is dull, drab, boring, and gray. People are expected to behave to this standard, but the only problem is, it doesn't exist. That's right, the norm doesn't exist. It's only a made up standard that people create for others that share similar interests and lead a lifestyle somewhat akin to yours. So let me ask this again: Why would you hurt someone because they violated the borders of an opinion you've engraved in your mind? All you are doing is discouraging them.
In truth, I'm still not sure about this question. The only thing that I am certain of after my ramblings is the fact that people should be able to do their own thing, and not get criticism for it. The truth of the matter is, people are hurt by words as actions, and they often wonder the same thing: Why?
Again, this question. Why? Why does this happen? Why does that happen? It's needless to say that I've never heard the answer to this, I've never heard the answer, "Because."
My guess is that this "because" is because people often confine their minds to that non existing 'norm', and when they meet someone outside of the norm, they reject it like no other. That's what I don't understand. Rejecting a person's view on the world just because they're different from you? That's ludicrous.
Different. That's another word that has affected society from the beginning. From the start of our lives, we are taught to pick out what is different. Remember the worksheet you took home in kindergarten that you brought home with that shiny gold star stickered onto the page, and the teacher's comment, "Excellent!" written in blue ink on the page? Remember the question that the worksheet often asked you?
"One of these objects don't belong. Find it, and circle it."
Under the question would be a picture of, lets say, an apple, an pear, and a fire truck. Your first choice to circle would obviously be the fire truck, because it isn't a fruit. This is what society has taught you, to group things in pre-existing sections. However, let's put a spin on this: What if I circled a pear, and not the truck? My reasoning behind this is because both an apple and a fire truck is red, and thus, both fit into the same category regardless of whether or not of the fact that apples are fruits. That's what viewing the world on another angle feels like. New possibilities are opened up everywhere if you just look.
This is how I feel about stereotyping the norm. It all depends on the person and the way they were taught to view the world. So why even have a norm? Open your mind to everything; let the possibility of anything blow your mind. Have your own interests, because no one should have the right to make you feel horrible about yourself. Believe in yourself, and believe in the fact that it's okay to be that one jigsaw piece that doesn't fit.
It's okay to be original. It's okay to be you, and it's okay to have your own interests. So stop worrying about the small things, and live a little. That’s what I’ve done with my art, and though I do get a little downed once in a while, I've decided to keep pressing on.
xx
Her name is Ai Rui, but she has settled for people calling her Airya instead.
When you first see her, the first word that comes to mind would be, Wow.
She's beautiful in a mysterious way, with her black hair that shimmers emerald and salmon pink eyes, eyes that spark with an ineffable amount of confidence, and seem to analyze your every movement. You're a bit mystified by the way she carries herself, and end up staring- that is, until she opens her mouth.
"Kneel, and kiss my feet, peasant," her voice rings out as she looks to you with an expectant gaze.
You take all of that mystification and staring in awe back. Who the hell does this lady think she is? She sits back and waits for your reaction, eyes blinking lazily. "How long are you going to take to do this, you peasant?"
Your eyes narrow as you come to a conclusion. This woman is Airya Jei, and she's a fucking bitch.