Wow... That is one of the most thorough critiques I have ever received. I am humbled by the time you've given me. Truly, this is a very rewarding experience — thank you.
To be honest, I had wanted to attempt the second narrative because the effects it left in the Eastern Boss's profile (an unfinished piece, lol) was a nice touch. A bit different from what I'm used to (and, some times, a change is necessary). But when I did it for Jian, the profile felt a little lacking and I had wanted a better perspective of people's opinion on the second narrative.
I had been concerned with the second-person being more "invasive" than the third, but I was, at the time, getting a little frustrated with people deliberately misinterpreting or over-reading into my characters. I wanted a way to present a character that said: This is what s/he is like at an impression (because not all characters will, immediately, know each other). I had wanted to mitigate the issue of: I CAN SEE EVERYTHING THERE IS TO SEE ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER!
Unfortunately, the RP didn't last long enough for me to see how things would have turned out (and if people would still overreach). Haha...
WEI-JIAN: Haha, yeah, I really skimped/rushed on his background. ^___^; I can't quite remember what I had been aiming for, but, rereading it now, it's not really the best I could have done.
GEUM JIYUL: Jiyul has got to be one of the characters that top my list of: worry-worry-worry. When I drafted him, I knew, exactly, how to develop him and what directions I would take, but my personal thoughts aren't exactly transparent to the other players and I had worried, endlessly, that he was (based off of the profile) becoming increasingly more 2D (and bordering the dangerous territory of flat and boring). At this particularly juncture, though, Jiyul has colored in more (vis-a-vis the role-play) and that original fear has subsided — somewhat.
To explain my decisions to draft him the way I did: I wanted him to appear almost/nearly perfect. I wanted to give off that sense of: This is one of those kids that other people see or hear about and then come to envy. He's good at academics, good at sports, and has all the social skills to charm your pants off. But, at the same time, to stay true to some of the Gemini traits I was required to have, I made sure the readers (not necessarily the characters) knew he was a vain and frivolous individual, who is narrow-minded and judgmental (this comes across better in the actual RP than in the profile... as I couldn't find a way to fit it in without breaking flow... lol).
DANNY CHEVALIER: Ahh— Danny. In relations to his history, the word "burtal" may have been overkill. I simply meant that he had been shuffled around a lot and he didn't really fault the other families (having a more serious, self-defeating attitude). But his aunt and uncle were, more or less, good to him — clothed him, fed him, and brought him along for vacations, etc. But, I agree. Danny should have more feelings directed towards his past (and the feeling of neglect should play a slightly bigger role than it has). In fact, if you hadn't mentioned it, I might have forgotten entirely. As the RP has progressed, his past has receded to a point of almost invisibility (how did that happen? Don't even know)... lol. Because his cousin is also in the RP (played by a different player), I should have a better opportunity to regain some footing on this front. Mild resentment that she has a family and he doesn't. Something like that. Something, lol.
ELLISON JAMES: I don't have much to comment on Ellison's critique, lol. He had been a fun character to draft up, but, unfortunately, fell to the way-side as the RP never quite got off the ground. ):
THE EASTERN BOSS: No worries! I hadn't finished his profile, LOL. And, as I've already mentioned before, I had put him there for reference and not necessarily a full-character critique. Hn, there were a lot of awkward/confusing word-choices/phrases in this profile, lol... I had wanted a sense of "quickness" when writing that first paragraph. As if everything had occurred in a shorter span of time than expected or ordinary.
Seeing as the RP never went anywhere and everything just flopped... it wouldn't hurt to just share what the EB was meant to be. He was supposed to be a misdirect in the plot. People look to him as the murderer and initiator of the gang wars (the RP revolved around three gangs), but he wasn't, lol... And, wow, you've read further into the character than I would have expected most people to do — I'm really impressed. I dropped/sprinkled things here and there, but I figured most of it would just go over the heads of most players! Haha, really amazing. ^____^
As for the heterochromatic eyes... the setting had a slight supernatural twist to the whole thing (that and I got lazy with picture-hunting, lolol....)
In terms of questions.. I only have a few. So.. a bit more of your time, if you don't mind.
First, if you were the creator of the RP that Geum Jiyul was part of — would you have had a problem with this profile (pre-explanation)? And, if so, is your biggest objection his blatant "flawlessness?"
Second, for second-narratives — specifically Wei Jian's profile, was the description clear? AKA did you have a strong grasp of his character or was he vague and barely-there? Or, perhaps, it was too much and was too overwhelming?
And, again, thank you! I really appreciate your effort.