Space Trucker Radio Rambles I
--The static of the transistor kicks in and slowly fades again--
"Why did I take on an an android such as this onto my ship? Well, despite how she may seem, she's still programmed with a basic caretaker chip so ANA does manage to earn her keep. No mistake about that. But you know me, it ain't about earning your keep to stay here, it's about whether or not you belong here. Or rather... if you didn't seem to belong anywhere else. Yes, ANA was lost, without actually realizing she was. Because you see ANA had her memories wiped... not sure if it was intentional or not, but the only one's she retained begin shortly before I came to meet her.
This is something I never shared with ANA, she doesn't really need to know. Ah, yes... well I'm aware she wouldn't be effected either way, I just... I guess deep down I worry that maybe somehow for some one in a million reason they would.
You see, ANA isn't a commercial droid, she's custom built from scratch. (Maybe that's why I'm so partial to her, but anyway..) When I first took her in I gave her a thorough once over, clean her up, just the basics. It was then I found a recording stored within her. She was shut down at this point so it was a projection for my eyes only. It showed much like a home movie, perhaps a memento for the engineer who created her.
It became clear that ANA was made to not only care for this solitary man, but love him. Of course, androids have no capacity to love, but she followed the 1's and 0's of her coding and said all the perfect words as if they came from the depth of a gushing teens heart.
Perhaps, after time had passed, the engineer had realized just how hollow his creation was and left her behind. Now ANA has no recollection of whom her creator is, but despite my efforts she cannot un-program the desire to love someone - even if she doesn't know what it truly means.
And that's why now, we have what I'd like to say the most unique hunk of bolts this universe has to offer. I mean where else are you going to find a droid that screams "I love you!" at the highest volume of her voice box as she tosses those plates of metal around you and hugs you like she's the latest and greatest trash compactor and you're last nights cold leftovers? Yeah, that's what I thought.
And that's why I hope to keep her till my sun burns out. And no... don't worry, I get that she's no Pinocchio.. one day she won't become human and have that happily ever after. But hey, I'll be damned if I don't think about it on these long drives... when I see her looking deep into those never ending stars as if she's trying so hard. So hard to remember that one thing. To find that one thing.
Maybe one day, if I help enough people... droids, aliens.. whomever...find that one thing they're looking for...
...I'll find what I'm looking for along the way.
This is Rocket, just passing the Rainbow Eight off of RETA STRAITS, about 0100, over and out."
She hid her sweet smile, I'm not worthy.
I saw something simple, and it pulled me back to reality.
It was something so small, merely existing for a second in passing.
But in those moments I stopped being who I was trying to be.
And remembered feelings I liked to think I didn't have.
You smiled, the sweetest smile I've seen in some time.
I haven't seen you smile in so long, let alone this up close.
There were nights I celebrated your tears,
and days I begged to never see your face again.
But without warning, to silence the malice in my bones, you smiled.
Now that smile, that I know will never again face me
it lingers still in my day and brings a gripping sensation to my throat.
As if someone were pressing their heel against it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hated you.
I'm sorry you hate me.
And that will never change.
But for some reason,
I'm still so fucking sorry.
"I live by a systematic code."
I have colors, they only come out in the dark.
It's coming, I know it.
When the pain sends shooting from my chest,
the pressure building in the back of my head.
Only then, I feel it.
And my colors, blinding colors, they spring forth
spewing from my eyes, nose and mouth.
Forgive me, I seek not comfort, but myself.
If this is, in fact - that.