This is a journal for Nicholas A. Fusion in Don't Let Your Hope Fade.
Printable View
This is a journal for Nicholas A. Fusion in Don't Let Your Hope Fade.
Life really likes to piss me off. This whole hero bullshit is just that, bullshit. How can I be a hero when I can't even save myself? One look in the mirror and I feel like I'm looking at a different person. How can this reflection be me? Since when did I become this man? Am I even... a man? I feel like a monster at times, like a demon has consumed my very soul. Whatever do I tell the others?
"Oh, excuse my bitterness, I'm just upset that I lost everything. Yeah, I know you lost it all too, but it's harder on me than it is on you."
Yeah, I feel like that's grounds for torture. I have to start acting tough. I need to just suck it up. If I'm going to be an ass, I'm going to be the assiest ass out there! No half-assing anything. I don't want to fail... again.
I failed my family, every part of it. My immediate family and even my distant family. I've no one left but me. It's so... lonely. No wonder I'm the Hero of Darkness. I've no friends, no family, no life. I'm a mess and I can't even fix myself. Maybe I should just quit and admit defeat.....
Well, that was awkward. I had my first kiss today. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I had this idea of making it be perfect. Having the woman melt into my arms and beg for more. So didn't happen like that. It was pretty lame, if you ask me. I guess I was expecting a spark or something. Yeah, Angel is cute and all, but I don't want a girl. I want a woman. Someone how knows what she wants and how she wants it. I'm afraid Angel is just too pure and sweet for me. I'd hate to be the one to corrupt her. Taint that pretty frail body of hers. Just thinking about it freaks me out.
While on the topic of the women, I think I'm going to write out what I like and don't like about each one. It'll give me something to do while we stand around waiting for Angel.
Rynn - Where do I even start? She's definitely more than meets the eye. There is a fiery passion that burns deep within her. I can foresee her turning out to be one hell of a woman. I wish I hadn't fucked things up with her right from the get-go, but I suppose I can't go back in time to change that. Those eyes of hers make my mind think terrible thoughts and her lips look fresh enough to kiss. I envision that kissing her would have a bit of bite to it.
She reminds me of a rattlesnake. Such a beautiful creature to look at yet so very deadly. Though, if handled right, they can become the ideal partner. I wonder... is it even possible to... make her see that I'm not always such a jerk? Hell, who am I kidding, she hates me. I ruined this relationship before it even began. Adam will probably end up with this one, though I think he better suits Angel or Gavyn.
Gavyn - Though I only met this woman, I already like her. She's definitely got a lot going for her. She's timid and sweet almost too sweet. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to pursue her, romantically, because I'd be too fearful that I might end up crushing her. She thinks I'm a gentleman... how the hell am I even close to that? I'm literally worthless scum. I wish she could see the ugly me. It would make things less difficult.
Nonetheless, her beauty and voice surpass even the gods. She is such a tasty delight. I wish that I might, one day, be cause to sink my teeth into her skin. Perhaps show her my bad boy charm. You know what they always say about good girls, right? They always fall for the bad boys. Perhaps there is a chance we could connect on a more intimate level. Though, I see Li'ing stepping in to sweep her up for himself.
Jenna - She's fierce and it's pretty sexy. I do enjoy her spunk and edginess. It's refreshing. She almost reminds me of a female version of me. Only she's less cynical. I wish that I could say I could see us getting along, but I'm afraid this is one pairing I can't foresee happening. Though I do believe she would make a nice "conquest" - not that I'm into such a thing - I doubt she would even give me the time or day. She's far too stubborn and indifferent to be concern with such meek things such as romance and partnership.
Holy hell. Rynn is intense. I feel as though she just raped my soul. Did you see the way she stared into my eyes? She wasn't just looking into eyes, she was also looking into my very core. I feel as though she read my mind and learned all there is to know about me. Is such a thing even possible? The ability to read one's true-self in just a glance? I've never felt so naked. So open. I feel as though she read every page I'd ever written in my book of life. Even if she learned not a thing, those taunting green eyes of hers have forever scarred me. I simply cannot erase the memory from my head. They've been burned into my brain and I feel them closing in on me with each and every look she sends my way. Might it be possible to have finally found a woman to control me? Someone to make me quiver in my boots. Someone who could retard my darkness.
With her around, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to sleep. My mind flashes her venomous jaded eyes at me whenever I blink. Such a thing cannot be deemed healthy, right? I cannot and I refuse to become obsessed with this woman. Even if the stare was to simply read into my soul and discover my softer side, I won't allow myself to prolong my thoughts of her any longer. This infatuation is unhealthy. My soul purpose seems to have been shaken from its roots. What am I to do? I can't go forward knowing that she'll be laying in the wake to seduce me with those eyes again.
Might I have the strength to run? I pray so. Oh how I pray so. I'm not sure I can stomach another second beside her. The scent that sweeps from her pores is enough to create a high. Blurred vision and quickened heartbeat, they seem to surreal. How can one woman cause such torment in a man? She's stirred up everything I created. Cracked a hole in the wall I've built to protect myself with. She's crawled at my surface and now she's discovered that I, too, bleed. Not only that, but she now knows that I feel.
I have this burning passion to destroy her, and yet, I cannot commit that crime. My body longs to be with hers as my mind cripples at the thought of falling under her reign. The crack of her fiery whip will surely send me reeling and begging for her mercy. Am I to... forever be her slave? Must I obey her every command? Is there a way I can escape her snake-like grasp? No? Then is it truly my destiny to be her pawn? Her toy? Her victim? This game is sick and twisted. It's far more demonic than I. I don't want to admit defeat, but I know when I've lost the war.
Rynn Arokit, you have won. I shall obey and heed to your ever command, even the most facetious and whimsical ones shall be done without hesitation or rebuttal. I shall prove to you that I will be your most worth adversary and your greatest creation. I pray that you can bare the strain your body will endure as I make myself your newest pet.
Wow, I can't believe I'm back here already. I also cannot believe that I just proposed to Rynn. I swear, I was just kidding. Hell, I didn't have a ring or anything. Although, she currently wears a ring. Hmmm, do women really need to wear more than one ring? It sounds like a messy business.
I wonder... I wonder what Jenna, Gavyn, and Angel think of this little stunt I pulled. Oh, let me guess...
Angel is going to go back to being emo. Like, seriously, this shit is getting old. I'm not her boyfriend. I can whore myself out to whoever I want. She needs to stop whining about it. Although... I do feel somewhat bad. I mean, I do... sorta... no, no. I don't like her one bit. Dear god, I hope I don't.
Gavyn is probably super confused. Probably wondering what my deal is. I bet she's disgusted, too. She doesn't seem like the romancing type. Though, I bet I could ease her into the thought of finding a soul mate. Girls like her a suckers for that sappy love stuff.
Jenna is probably shooting bolts of lightning at me for hitting on Rynn. I wonder, is it out of jealousy? Perhaps I should try schmoozing up to her. She seems to be more like my type.
Rynn is going to slap me. No doubt about that. But I can't help but wonder what her innermost thoughts are. Is there even a glimmer of hope for us?
It's time to move forward. I've dawdled in the past for too long. I know it's only been about two months since I lost my beloved superior, but Deks meat more to me. He wasn't just my flesh and blood. No, he was also my best friend. He was the one person I could turn to. My ideal and my hero. Without his guidance and strength, I would have perished with the land long ago.
But, this remorse, this self-pity, it needs to stop. Here and now. I cannot keep clinging to broken fragments of hope and desire. Deks is gone. I need to come to my senses. This carelessness is only going to get us all killed. I know that my future is needed not only for the sake of the future, but for the future of this world and everyone on it. The battles I will walk blindly into might seem as though they are my last, but I shall not let them cripple my spirit. There must be a reason I was selected to be the hero of darkness. Although, I often feel as though I'm just a sloppy hand off. I believe... no, I know Deks was destined to hold this role. But his untimely death left the gods with no one else to hold the role but me. Tch, if my sister was alive or even my parents, they would have been granted this gift (or curse).
Deks B. Fusion, a doctor in the making, died at the ripe young age of twenty-two. Those golden eyes of his would never tease the world again. His slicked over dark umber fringe will never flop into his face. The stubble on his chin won't tickle a woman nor will it be kept clean. The white attire that he loved to wear so much was to never be wore again. The scolding boom of his voice will never bark another order. Those who worked under him will never get to bask in his beauty or charm. Truly a god among the living, it is a shame to see such a perfect being part from the planet and kiss the lips of angels. I pray that his wings are wing and light so that, when the time comes, he will be there to sweep me up with that warm, spine-tingling embrace.
Ever since I can remember, that guy had been there for me. As a baby, he was there to welcome me into the world. He once told me how he remembered reaching out his hand and I... well, I just grabbed it. My little fingers wrapped around his pinky and I guess I had stop crying. Mom was thrilled. She was pretty tired after having me and, I guess, my crying was driving her mad. According to Deks, they tried everything to shut me up. Then, when he went into the room, I kinda just... stopped and we stared. He approached and that's when we made contact. He told me that my warmth flooded through his veins and, from that moment on, he knew we would be the best of friends.
As we grew up, I guess he and father often spent time with me. Mom was always feeling sick and the doctors didn't know what was wrong. Having to stay at home and watch us was too much, so she ended up opening a flower shop. To her, the flowers were peaceful. I remember, just hardly, going there and surprising her with Deks one day. I was the master of walking at that time, so I ran (which was really more like walking) my hardest to her. I ended up bumping right into her leg. She laughed and I laughed.
Mother, she had the most beautiful laugh ever. I'm thrilled I inherited that from her. I have her eyes, her smile, and her laugh. The things I loved the most about her, I got. Her eyes were paler than mine, but I didn't care. They were of the same shade - red. I always felt so in-tune with her. I could tell when she was in pain before she would be acknowledge it. I could tell just by the look that lingered in her eyes. I was little, but I still remember the look of sorrow, of agony, and how it tormented her day and night.
Needless to say, about four years into my life, another miracle had happened. I was going to be a big brother! I was overjoyed and everyone in the house knew it. Hell, even the neighbors knew it - I had this habit of screaming with pure delight whenever something exciting and wonderful was happening.
While mother was in labor, one of the chief technicians pulled father aside. Deks, being the noisy one that he is, decided to creep along. I stayed beside mother. Holding her hand, telling her everything would be okay. I don't know why, but I had this deep pitted feeling that something was wrong. Really wrong. I could just tell that mother wasn't going to make it. I didn't want to be away when that happened.
Dad and Deks never returned that night. I guess you could say they both took the news pretty hard. Really hard. I wanted to run away and cry, too. But I stayed strong. I did it for her. I wanted her to know that she wasn't alone. I squeezed her hand and told her a story (I may share it later). It brought a smile to her face and tears to her eyes. Her laugh escaped and it was the last thing I heard before the air was filled with the screaming cry of a child.
Broke premature, the doctors did their best to save her, but it was a lost cause. She was just a mutilated purple blob. It broke my heart. As I turned to look at mother, I saw the light fade from her eyes. I remember whispering, "Goodbye, mama. I'll come visit you whenever I can." And, with that, she had gone with the most beautiful grin on her face. Her eyes were even smiling. Even death couldn't plague her beauty. Nothing could. She was, naturally, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
The head surgeon offered to walk me home, but I decided to stay, for Jenni's sake. I was able to name my sister and I wanted to be there. Praying, wishing, pleading that the gods would let her live. I had spent about a week away from Deks and my father and in that week, I learned the value of the meaning of life.
Jenni was sick. She was slipping, fading from this earth. Though her soul was as strong as her spirit, her body was not physically strong enough to keep. Exactly one week (even the hour and minutes aligned) after my mother had died, Jenni had passed away, too. I remember the funeral man asking me what color Jenni should be dressed in. I told him red. It was mother's favorite color. He asked why. I told him, "So mama knows I sent her."
Wow, I need to take a break from this. My heart is barely beating. I've got watery eyes and an agonizing look on my face. Perhaps, after I've recuperate some, I shall continue writing about my past life.
To wrap up, I'd like to include some photographs of my mother.
Isn't her beautiful hypnotizing? Do you not agree?
http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs47/f/20...ikefalling.png
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs38/f/20...296366e263.png
I'm still too depressed to finish my story. Perhaps I'll write it later... after I get some spunk thrown back into my life.
This life. It's worthless. Why was I born? I've brought nothing but pain and suffering. My family has paid the ultimate price for having me.
Although my mother's death was not my doing, I can't help but predict that I could have done more to prolong her life. I could have been less naive. Less... foolish. When I was younger, I believed that mother would live forever. I was too blind to believe that she could die. I didn't want to believe it. I just couldn't. My mother, to me, was a goddess. A flawless being that was incapable of death or even illness. Then, one day, she just slipped away. What did I do? I held her hand. I felt her life fade. I should have done more. Why was I such a waste of space. Why didn't I try to save her? Why didn't I sell my body so that she could get treated? We needed the money. I wouldn't have cared if I soiled my soul. If I tainted my hands... my body. I'd have done anything to keep her alive and well. Sex with strangers, prostitution, rape... drugs, addiction, bondage... anything. I would have given up my life to keep her alive. She was an angel living among the people.
As if that weren't bad enough, I watched my sister, Jenni, pass before my eyes, too. I know she would have grown to be a beautiful woman. I could have seen her rising up to be a famous star. She felt like she would have been a beloved actress. Really going far. Probably settling down and having a family for herself. It was just... it was the life stream I saw flash before my eyes. When her eyes were fading, I saw the movie that would have been her future. I saw her smiling, happy, and in love. We would have been the best of friends, too. She was going to be the first woman to tell me to stop being someone I'm not. She would have been the one to let me be me. Ya know, she wanted me to not be a fake.
She would have seen that my smiles weren't genuine and that my heart was not light and pure. She knew my life was hanging by a thread. That I was on the verge of destruction. But... she passed away. She never got to befriend me. She never got to live her life. And, by not living her life, I wasn't able to live my own. I was just a shadow of the man my parents wanted me to be. This proper boy that everyone would love.
What if... what if I didn't want to be loved. What if I liked the lonely life? If I wanted to be alone. Live alone. Die... alone. Is that so bad? Is it that hard to believe? Fuck around whenever I wanted to fix my urges? That sounds tempting. It should be who I am. I shouldn't give a damn what others think. Fuck them. Fuck you. Fuck everyone. No one should be allowed to tame me. I'm not a domestic animal. My heart, my soul, and my spirit are wild. I'm not meant to live in a civilized manner. I'm meant to cause destruction and to be a hassle. A rebel. A problem.
As if the gods were purposely not listening, the through Jenny Lynn into my life. Although she's the most beautiful woman I've ever met, I can't help but wonder if there was ever met to be something between us. She wants a real man... not a one night stand. She wanted to mold me into something that she could love. I feel as though I was just a puppet. Or maybe even a piece of art. Something that she created. But you know what, I should have put my foot down!
I AM NOT A CREATION! I REFUSE TO BE MOLDED! I SHALL NOT BE TAMED! I AM GOING TO BE ME! ME! NOT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE!
So what if no one likes me. So what if everyone hates me. I don't care. I never have. I never will. Tch, love. Friendship. Forgiveness. They are all words for the weak. I won't stoop to that level. It's lower than low. Believing in such terms is to play into the hands of the la'Ronk. They want us to cling to such terms. Why? So they can RIP OUR HEARTS OUT! THEY WANT TO SEE US BLEED! DIE! CRY! SUFFER! THEY CARE ABOUT NOTHING! The human heart... it's just a toy to them. A TOY THEY FUCK WITH! NOTHING! Just a waste of space. Something to manipulate. To control. To deceive. Those that fall prey to their wicked games, I pity you. There is NO salvation for your pathetic soul. You brought this sorrow, this life upon yourself. You got yourself trapped and now only you can redeem and save yourself. I REFUSE TO HELP!
But I'm a hero? Yeah, so what. It's a title. A title I don't want to wear. It's just a pathetic play on hope. The la'Ronk probably created it to create a dream among the common people. Ya know, to build up their spirits so they could... crush them. STOMP ON THEIR HAPPINESS! Rape their loved ones. Kill everything. Destroyers of happiness. They cripple people. They bring out the insanity that lies within the human core. We're all monsters on the inside. We just need to be pushed and we can unleash a wickedness that would even make the la'Ronk tremble. But those la'Ronk... they are smart. They know how to control us. I believe that they know the outcome of all our work. No matter what, we will lose. Winning... it's impossible.
Yes, I said it. We've lost. We've always been beat. Nothing we do can save us. Salvation. Redemption. It's not possible. We fucked up. We brought this suffering upon ourselves. And I'm sick of if. The whining. The crying. The pleading. The self-pity. It's disgusting. People are so pathetic. So weak. So... worthless. Learn to be storng. Embrace the darkness. Allow it to swallow you whole. Fall into its trap. Allow it to course through your veins. Allow vengeance to fill the heart. The absence of love will be filled by the desire for revenge. Fueled by anger and hatred... it seems so... surreal.
I love the idea. I LOVE THE IDEA! Ha! I love something. That something being the idea of letting the darkness win. You see, if we allow the darkness to win, we've nothing to fear. Nothing to worry about. Darkness shall be our salvation. It shall cure our unstable minds.
The fear that I once held has been vanquished. Never again shall I cringe away from the shadows. I shall embrace them. I shall kiss death and stare it in the eyes. We are but one and the same. Death, my brother and only friend, please allow my shell to embody your greatness. You are the only thing in this life that matters to me. Eat me. Gnaw at my bones. Devour my brain. Remove all hopes of salvation. I don't want to be saved. I want to remain insane. I shall be driven by hate and allow the darkness to power my every movement.
Do you hear that, gods? I will become your worst nightmare. I will prove to you that providing me with such a power was foolish. I shall turn the tables on you. Not only will I defeat the la'Ronk, but I will also go further. Whatever could I mean? Are you that moronic? I mean, in simplest terms possible, that I will be the supreme ruler of this land. Do you get me now? Do you fear me? I shall destroy the other heroes once our mission is complete. Darkness will engulf the planet and people will learn to worship my might.
I hope you're happy with your decision. It's your fault the world will forever be consumed by darkness. A new darkness. A darkness that is built and fed off not only wrath, but off pride. Even better, how about all the sins. I hope you enjoy this twisted game. This mind fuck shall end all too bitterly. The sins will take over and I shall unite the world in darkness. Shadows and hate.
Prepare yourself for not even the light will be able to cease this plan. My darkness shall out shine her light. I won't lose. I've too much at stake. I promised Jenni that I would make a world for her. A better world. She was born blind and now I shall allow her eyes to see. See that darkness is the best life. This world I will create will be black and ghostly, but so relaxing. When people only know of despair and darkness, they won't have to fuss about such trivial things such as happiness, hopes, and dreams.
For once, I can say I'm not selfish. You see, I'm doing this for everyone. Darkness, my only friend, shall become the new life we will embrace. Darkness. You shall fuel me. Take my soul. Use it as you will. I shall not fail you. I am your most loyal slave. Fuck me as you wish.
I'm just so angry. All the time. I just... I just can't help it. So, I figured I'd tune the world out with some music, but I've come to realize that my music is damn depressing. And yet, it seems to smooth me. Odd how that works, isn't it?
Anyway, for those of you that dare get a feel for what I like, I've decided to share the songs that swim around my head. Listen to them at your own risk.
Wow. I just slit my wrists. Not cool, Nick. Not cool. Although, the pain... it just seemed to... go away. I felt something I've not felt in a while. Happiness. I wonder... if I continue to bleed, will I continue to smile? Perhaps this cutting thing isn't as bad as people make it out to be. The euphoria I felt from releasing the pain was pretty soothing. Perhaps I've always been a closet cutter.....
So I have the worst headache ever and this vomiting thing is just nasty. What the fuck happened to me? I don't remember eating a poisonous berry. And Rynn, why is she being all sweet to me. Erm, not that I'm complaining. I... uhhh... I might enjoy her company, but I'd never tell her that.
Ugh, I wish I knew why everyone was so teary eyed! I feel like I missed something. Something huge! Like... I feel like there is a gap in my memory. I wonder if they'll ever tell me what happened.
Also, why the hell do I feel like I was just bleeding to death? My wrist is killing me! Oh and is that blood I'm laying in. -insert sniffing the ground here- Yup, it's bleed.... HOLY FUCK, IT'S BLOOD! WHO THE HECK GOT STABBED! OH FUCK FUCK FUCK! WHY THE FUCK DID I FALL ASLEEP! DAMMIT! I missed ALL the action. ...do you think Rynn will tell me?
Wait a minute... when I came to, why did I talk about Rynn being okay. Why wouldn't she be okay? Did I try to do something to her? ... dude, if she can't handle sex then I'm not interested in her. Well, I do suppose I could be gentler in the future. ... WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT? I know I would remember banging her if it happened... I hope.
Okay, it's settled I'll ask her... yawn... why am I so sleepy. Mmmm, her hand is so warm. And comfy. Maybe she'll let me fall asleep on her...........
the rest of the page is covered in scribbles
that probably came about because the moron
fell asleep while writing this....
You will never guess what happened. Well, the typical shit went down and I got hurt, but I'm talking about after all that.
Okay, yes, I fucked up. I don't remember what happened, but I know I was hurt. More like I got the shit kicked out of me. I know I was also being a moron trying to be upstairs. I cannot believe I almost saw a naked Gavyn. Not that I don't think it would be nice to see her body without any clothes on, but I'm really not interested in her. I wasn't even turned on by the fact that she was wet and naked. Weird. I know.
I really don't understand why I wasn't tempted to look. Hell, I could have had my way with her right then and there, but I completely froze up. I stared at the ceiling. I was soooo out of my mind. Since when do I play as a gentleman? I am one of those pricks that loves to see the naked flesh of a gorgeous woman, and yet, I saw nothing.
I think men everywhere are laughing at me. I'm such a disgrace. I could have had a quick peek, but nooooo, I had to be all modest and polite. I hate myself. Well, I actually hate not knowing why I wasn't able to look. I feel like someone within me was telling me no and I listened. Since when do I listen to reason? I guess since today. Lame.
WRGYRHJWORUTFQEGIJOQBH YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear to the gods above, today is the best day ever. Morning sucked. Afternoon sucked. Even sucked. Night ROCKED!
Fuck yeah, bitches, be jealous. I know Adam is. And Cole. And Jenna. And probably even Gavyn. Why are they jealous? It's simple...
Rynn + Nick (me) = CUDDLES!!!!!!!!
I swear, I could cry. I've never been so happy in my life. I'm cuddling with Rynn. Rynn! Can you believe it. I swore I thought this chick hated me. Now look at us. We're all cozy and cute. I sound so gay, but whatever! I can't help it. I'm like a kid on Christmas (as you humans from Earth call it).
Oh shit, I think I'm tearing up. I need to run. I can't let her see I'm crying. She'll think I'm a big baby (yes, I know I am, but she doesn't need to know this).
Do you think she would let me kiss her? Those lips of hers look ripe for the picking. It's a shame I'm too goddamn nervous to even kiss her. Knowing me, I'd make out with her nose. Fuck it. I'll just keep to the cuddling. Maybe after I save the world and all I can kiss her.
I lied. I would rather face the la'Ronk than kiss her. I'm fucked.
Ohhhhhh! Maybe I can sucker Gavyn into helping me out. Get her to convince Rynn to kiss me! Yeah, that's brilliant until Gavyn tells Adam and then Adam realizes I'm a woose. FUCK! I quit. No kisses. Ever. FUCKKKK! That sucks too. Okay, Nick keep it together. It's just a kiss. Nothing you can't handle. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUCK! I'm screwed.
Dear Rynn, PLEASE KISS ME? Kthxbai. Nick.
... I'm so lame.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs9X8NhQJF4
I think video describes what I'd like to have happen. I don't want to mess this thing up....
Rynn hates me! I just know it. I'm going to go die now. I'll be under that rock.... over yonder.... I really cannot believe myself. I went from being the happiest man on the planet to the most miserable mutt alive. My life is so toast. Literally! She'll burn me to a crisp.